What’s the story?

The Eurovision Song Contest final is on BBC1 tonight.

Wall to wall power ballads?

There does tend to be a lot of acts which go for the full throated approach to pop.

Not like the good old days of Bucks Fizz and Dana?

Nor ABBA, Brotherhood of Man, Sandie Shaw ...

What are we likely to see this year?

One highlight will be anti-capitalist techno from Iceland.

Hurrah! Anything else?

Madonna. She’s providing the half time entertainment. As are the Wombles.

The Wombles and Madonna together?

Alas no. Can’t really see Madge singing about the joy of picking up litter.

The plucky British entry is?

Michael Rice. He’s singing a power ballad, Bigger than Us.

Will he win?

I hesitate to dignify that with an answer. Of course he won’t.

Who is the presenter for BBC1?

Our Graham Norton

One of his quippiest quips?

“This year’s theme is celebrating diversity. Let’s see who they’ve chosen to host. Oh. It’s three white men.”

Remind us of Wogan's greatness?

Tel kicked kicked off the 2007 show with: “Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? I do, I’ve seen the rehearsals."