What's the story?

The etiquette of festive viewing.

Sigh. What does this entail?

1) When someone leaves the sofa – a toilet break, replenishing drinks, raiding the larder – it is fair game to nab their freshly vacated spot. Fastest wins. Elbows allowed.

2) No empty wrappers back in the Roses/Quality Street/Heroes/Celebrations tin.

3) Don't change the TV channel without asking. Unless you hear the word "Brexit" during the festive sanctuary period between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Or when Mrs Brown's Boys comes on. In which case, feel free to hurl the telly out the window like an ageing rock star.

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4) Red felt-tip pen should be used when circling the TV listings. Not blue or black Biro. What are you, an animal?

5) Brussels sprouts-induced flatulence unleashed as a lethal weapon will not be tolerated. Nor can it be blamed on the dog, cat or budgie.

6) After Eight Mints should be treated with reverence. The cellophane wrapping must not be removed prior to 7.59pm.

7) Shouting at the TV during Christmas University Challenge is permitted.

8) Inane chatter throughout the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special will see immediate banishment to the kitchen.

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9) The Snowman is obligatory.

10) Die Hard is NOT a Christmas film. End of.