Columnist

50 Shades of Grey and always a guitar propped against the wall. That's what I would call my house buyers’ guide to Glasgow if I were writing one based on my last few months of scouring Rightmove and Zoopla. I’d do whole chapters on the wrought iron silhouette clocks and neon highland cow paintings everyone has and why estate agents should be honest and call a ‘terrace’ in Glasgow an outdoor shower. Buying a home is my new obsession.

IN the mirror, I apply a sweep of bright red lipstick. I don't know much about the woman I'm meeting. I found her profile on a website where you search for this sort of thing. But she has a kind smile in her photo and wrote that she understands this is a strange way to meet someone. I absolutely concur. I think we'll get along.