COMEDIAN Andy Cameron was in a GP’s waiting room many years ago (The chap he was there to see was a Dr McMillan, whose son would later change his name to Robbie Coltrane. Sadly, we’ve no idea what became of this Coltrane fellow).

In the waiting room Andy noticed a little bloke picking up a copy of The Lancet, which led to the following conversation between the bloke and his beloved.

Wife: “Whit dae you want wi The Lancet?”

Bloke: “Ah like tae try the competition.”

Wife: “Whit competition?”

Bloke: “Spot the boil.”

Mind your language

A WEE dram of bar room badinage, courtesy of reader Robbie Duncan, who was in a Brodick watering hole one lunchtime to see Bobby the barman take two bowls of soup to a foreign couple.

“I ken youse don’t speak good English,” Bobby said to them, “but watch the soup. It’s fair bielin.”

Opinion sucks

THE Diary refuses to dish the dirt on our readers, though we are happy to make an exception for those rogues and scoundrels who dis the DustBuster (Or any other brand of household cleaning implement).

One such chap is rascally correspondent John Mulholland, who informs us: “When it comes to vacuum cleaners, I always buy Dyson. Does this mean I’m an anti-Vaxer?”

Seeing red

ANOTHER tale involving waiting staff whose lack of sophistication led to customer protestation. John Haddow, from Dunblane, was in an Alloa cafE some years ago. A woman at the next table called the young waitress over to point out that the cup of coffee she had just served had lipstick on the rim. The waitress picked up the cup, examined it, then said with a cheerful laugh: “That’s no’ lipstick. I cut my finger.”

Chic chat

OUR recent tale involving an apothecary sign reminds David Miller, from Milngavie, of a classic Chic Murray yarn.

Armed with a prescription, Chic enters the appropriate shop and says: "Is the apothecary in? No? How about the pharmacist? In that case, can I see the chemist?"

The chemist asks if he should put Chic’s pills in a bottle.

"Well," says Chic, "It'll save me rolling them home."

Health resorts

WE continue devising alternative meanings for well known locations. Bob Jamieson has two suggestions:

Bothwell = Neither of us are affected by Covid-19.

Motherwell = The same is true of our parents.

Fight fun

INQUISITIVE reader Jim Hamilton says: “I hate when a couple argue in public and I miss the beginning, then don't know whose side I'm on.”