WHEN it comes to unwelcome neighbours, the Diary always assumed the worst type to discover across the garden fence would be a drummer specialising in heavy metal music.

But London-based Scottish broadcaster Zara Janjua has found herself living side-by-side with a non-drumming chap who also knows how to dish out the decibels... an opera singer.

A rather trepidatious Zara requested he cork the cacophony for an hour while she completed a recording for an event.

With a sigh of relief, she adds: “We spent an hour chatting

and he gave me a bottle of wine. If Carlsberg did disputes…”

School explorations

NIFTY nicknames continued. Jim Livingstone believes former pupils of Gourock High School may recall an older member of staff known for disappearing

into a walk-in cupboard in his classroom, from whence would billow a puff of smoke, accompanied by a strong smell of pipe tobacco.

This chap was charged with the task of imparting knowledge of both geography and English, which earned him the nickname Vasco da Grammar.

Eye spy

WE recently pointed out our readers are so dynamic,

devil-may-care and driven by wanderlust that when they finish reading the Diary they often make a paper aeroplane from the page it appears in, then launch it across the breakfast table.

Sometimes our correspondents exaggerate their outlandish reminiscences… just a tad.

For example, Bob Jamieson informs us his grandad was bereft of financial liquidity and couldn’t afford a glass eye, so visited the local carpenter who made him one out of teak.

Defending the essential veracity of his tale, Bob adds:

“I wouldn’t make a joke about that, wood eye?”

Faith in footy

OUR story about the appearance of sacrilegious graffiti celebrating the exploits of the late Scottish footballer Ian St John reminds reader Patrick Tonner of a Liverpool church billboard that declared: ‘Jesus Saves’.

In graffiti underneath was irreverently scrawled: “Dalglish nets the rebound.”

Rey of hope

OUR correspondents are devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to support local businesses and kickstart the economy when lockdown ends.

Christine Brooks suggests Lana Del Rey should be hired

to promote neighbourhood hairdressers by warbling “Born To Dye”.

Museum musings

WE continue coming up with displays for our Oxymoron Museum. “There could be a gallery for Alloa Athletic,” suggests reader John Maclean.

Diligently dumb

PHILOSOPHICAL thought for the day from reader Jay Harvey, who says: “A common mistake inventors make when designing foolproof gadgets is to underestimate the ingenuity of your average fool.”