Thinking about drinking

THE other day John Mulholland’s daughter said to him: “Dad, you never drink water.”

Our reader replied indignantly: “Of course I do. I drink water every day when I’m working from home.” 

That wasn’t a good enough answer for her, and she countered: “But I only ever see you drinking wine and coffee.”

At that point John had an epiphany and realised, with great shame, that she was right. “Quite frankly it was one of those things which had crept up on me over the years,” he says, “and it was time to admit I’d been drinking far too much… coffee.”

City planning

A NEIGHBOUR of Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie attended a builders merchants dinner.

The after-dinner speaker concluded his speech by reminding members that: "Rome was not built in a day – although that was the time stated on the original estimate."

Savvy suits

WITH offices no longer in vogue, a lot of white-collar activity now takes place in the relatively relaxed atmosphere of the coffee shop rather than in some soulless building filled with desks, computers and polystyrene cups filled with tepid tea.

That doesn’t mean that work isn’t getting done, for reader Yvonne Taylor was in a café in Glasgow city centre, and at a nearby table a group of serious men and women wearing serious business suits were indulging in what was clearly a high-powered conference.

At one point one of the serious suits made the pronouncement: “At all times we should be conscious of the optics.”

Our reader thought this a truly inspiring phrase, which she translates to mean: “Remember folks, when we screw up, make sure nobody finds out.”

Hat attack

WE mentioned Glasgow’s Duke of Wellington statue, famous for the ahistorical headwear atop the great warrior’s bonce.

(At least we assume it’s ahistorical, for having browsed a number of history books, we can find no evidence that the Duke donned a traffic cone before battle.)

The statue, we reported, was spotted sans cone. Now reader Sally O’Connor reveals she recently saw him with three cones on his head, with one more on the head of his horse.

Says a concerned Sally: “Can we conclude that poor Welly is going through some sort of identity crisis?”

Reverse call

WE’RE discussing the 999 line. “My friend says he dialled 666 by mistake,” says Russell Smith from Largs, “and three policemen turned up standing on their heads.”

That tears it

IRATE reader Nigel Scott grumbles: “Velcro. What a rip-off.”