Nailing it

AMATEUR boxing fan Jeremy Knowles watched a scrap the other night and was thoroughly enjoying the action when he overheard a snippet of conversation between two sporting connoisseurs sitting in a couple of nearby seats.

One of the fellows admitted he was impressed by the pugilistic talent on show, or as he put it: “See that yin in the green shorts? Decent wee scrapper.”

His pal merely smirked, then said: “Aye, sure. He’s as hard as nails. Pink-painted toenails, that is.”

Fat chance

TELLY titan Phillip Schofield has been gently coaxed from his plum job hosting popular show This Morning.

And by "gently coaxed" we mean it appears to have involved Holly Willoughby in a hard hat, crouched behind the wheel of a bulldozer, and ramming the heel of her Jimmy Choo down, hard, on the accelerator peddle.

These argy-bargy antics have inspired the Diary to recall other notorious occasions when TV celebs got scrappy.

Says reader Neil Thurlow: “Who can forget that time when the Teletubbies went on strike after being encouraged by their producer to eat healthier and go to the gym, just so they could be billed as the Tele-not-quite-so-tubbies?”

Blue bloke bashed?

THE Diary admitted recently that it has grown tired of men’s kickyball, and now prefers the women’s game. Though occasionally we return to the male version of the sport, especially when we have a serious concern to report…

Reader Iain Mills notes that Hebridean-based design guru Banjo Beale is becoming increasingly popular, and often appears on our TV screens.

Adds Iain: “I wonder if the manager of a certain Ibrox-based football team is now a wee bit concerned that folk will mistake the designer’s name for an instruction.”

📖 Sign up to the Herald Diary newsletter and get the sublime and the ridiculous sent directly to your inbox.

👉 Click here to sign up

Wedded woes

CYNICAL relationship ruminations from reader Laura Bourke, who points out: “Marriage is a combined effort by two people to solve a series of problems that did not exist before marriage.”

The razor’s edgy

DREAMS can be thrilling, scary or just plain weird. Essentially there is a free miniature cinema being operated behind your eyelids, minus the popcorn and hotdogs.

Though sometimes dreams aren’t especially memorable. The husband of reader Roberta Knight awoke and said: “I just dreamt I was shaving.”

“Really?” muttered Roberta. “Sounds boring.”

“Not at all,” harrumphed hubby defensively. “Halfway through I ran out of shaving foam.”

Animalistic behaviour

A CLINICAL conundrum from reader Ben Richardson, who asks: “What is the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?”

The answer, of course, is… Roverdose.