Communication breakdown
THE eccentricities of the middle-classes are well documented, though the Diary is always happy to add to the existing evidence.
Reader Jennifer Gower was strolling in Giffnock when she witnessed a well-heeled lady place her mobile phone to the ear of the dog she was walking.
The woman then said to her pet pooch: “Say hello to daddy!”
Clearly not a fan of modern communication technology, the mutt remained mute.
The vexed lady continued imploring her companion to bark into the handset, while Fido loftily ignored the dog-and-bone.
Says Jennifer: “This little drama explains why few canines advance into positions of seniority in large business organisations. They’d be rubbish on Zoom conference calls.”
There’s the rub
“THE best thing about hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,” argues reader Dave Appleyard. “It's everyone walking around like they're hatching a dastardly plot…”
Family feast
OUR gourmet readers are discussing that most recherché of edible delicacies – freshly seasoned Homo sapiens. Apparently nibbling upon the flesh of your fellow human is quite the treat, especially when a generous dollop of mayonnaise is added to the recipe. (Everything tastes better with mayo. Fact.)
With this in mind, comedy legend Andy Cameron recalls the occasion when a cannibal declared at the dinner table: “I hate my mother-in-law.”
His fellow diner responded: ”Just move her to the side and eat your chips.”
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Mad love
STUDYING at Oxford Uni, reader Gordon Clarke went on a blind date with a London lass who was a friend of a friend.
Much alcohol was imbibed during the evening, and Gordon was delighted (sort of) when the lady trilled at night’s end: “You’re everything I hoped you’d be. You’re so drunken and sweaty and Scottish.”
Cutting comment
WATCHING a TV documentary, reader Clare Lockley discovered shish kebab is so called because "shish" is an old Turkish name for the sword used by warriors to cook meat over an open fire.
Adds Clare: “I’m guessing swords got their Turkish moniker because the victims of warriors often squealed: ‘Sheesh! I’ve just been run through with a sword.’”
Home alone
IT’S curious how the definitions of words evolve, points out Alan Doyle, giving the following example…
Definition of a recluse 20 years ago: Someone who lives in a hut, alone, miles from anybody.
Definition of a recluse today: You haven’t updated your Instagram page for five hours.
Cuddly critique
HELPFUL reader Geoff Russell told his wife she should embrace her mistakes. “So she hugged me,” sighs Geoff.
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