Beastly behaviour

DISTURBED Diary correspondent Terry Irving read about a Chinese zoo which denies that one of its bears is actually a human in disguise, even though it was captured on film waving convivially at spectators, making the animal look suspiciously like a dinner party host ushering guests into the lounge to enjoy a cigar and snifter of brandy while the table is being set.

Says Terry: “Whether the bear is human or not is of minor concern. What really worries me is how many humans are bears in disguise. This could be an especially severe problem in the Ibrox area…”

Age-old story

THE tick-tock triumph of Old Father Time, as he chips away at our readers’ resilience and optimism, is a regular theme in the Diary.

Which is why we weren’t surprised when Nick Jennison told us: “Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep, while slowly getting worse at both.”

Arch addendum

SCOTLAND has a long-standing problem with the construction of ferries: a problem which could be eradicated if we just stopped building them, and instead provided our island communities with water-wings and those dinky polystyrene floats that were such an essential part of school swimming lessons.

In the meantime, we continue cobbling together those never-quite-completed boats, a project which must have commenced in the Mesozoic era, when a bunch of Tyrannosauruses decided they wanted to go yachting.

The ever-optimistic Diary is currently picking names for the ferries, with Gerry Minnery suggesting one of them should be called "Better".

With the bracketed addendum… (Late Than Never).

Party pooped  

IN an Edinburgh cafe reader Natalie Hall heard two ladies chatting. One mentioned she’d been invited to a party that evening.

“Are you going?” inquired her friend.

“Well, I’m having coffee with you right now,” said the first lady. “And the idea of being sociable twice in a day is far too traumatic to contemplate.”

Labour pains

“A WOMAN gives birth in the UK every 48 seconds,” says reader Rob Anderson. “She must be exhausted.”

Mind your language

THE son of Martin Ross is going on holiday to Italy and has been learning the local lingo in order to blend in with the natives.

“Let’s hear you say something in Italian,” said Martin.

“Lasagne,” replied his cosmopolitan son.

Fido = food

“I CAN’T take my dog to the park any more because the ducks keep biting him,” sighs reader Anne Rose. “Must be because he’s purebread.”