Strange goings-on …

THE Diary has a crack team of investigative reporters, including the intrepid Woodstein and Bernward. (Not to be confused with the chaps who broke the Watergate story. Our guys are better.)

Our irrepressible newshounds recently raced onto the streets of Glasgow, cunningly disguising themselves as everyday citizens by wearing signs on the back of their trench coats stating: “Not A Member Of The Press. Honest!”

Fedoras on heads and magnifying glasses in hands, they quickly ascertained that something was askew in the city.

After several hours contemplation in a local hostelry, Woody and Ber concluded that (quite possibly) a bike race was taking place.

A verdict backed up by reader Stan Shipley, who spotted the very same thing, and also heard a chap watching the pugnacious peddlers say: “So wit dae they call this - the Tour de Glesga?”

Shouldering the burden

A VIGNETTE of everyday life in the world of commerce, provided by reader Ernest Dean, who reveals that an Amazon deliveryman dropped off a parcel at his door, but didn’t leave immediately.

Instead, he took a few moments to gripe about his long shift.

When the deliveryman eventually left, Ernest told his wife about the Amazonian angst.

“I think he was after a tip,” she surmised. “Did you give him one?”

“I gave him something better,” said Ernest. “My compassion, a sympathetic ear, and a firm shoulder to cry on.”

“That right?” said the wife. “Bet he’d still have preferred two quid in the palm, though.”

Fishy theorising

ASTUTE reader Ann Cross says: “The opposite of a mermaid is … a landlord.”

Life’s drama

THE Edinburgh Fringe provides a launchpad for showbiz careers, though it’s also where dreams of fame dissolve into nothingness, like a bar of soap in the bath.

Actress and writer Georgie Grier dissolved into something possibly worse - tears - when a solitary person turned up for her one woman play, titled Sunsets.

Being a thespian, she naturally posted a photo of herself on social media sniffling most piteously.

Confused Diary correspondent Robert Menzies says: “Am I missing something? You advertise a one-woman show. And when one woman duly turns up, you complain?”

Details, details

DURING a marital dispute, reader Helen Green’s husband harrumphed: “For the last 18 years of marriage, all you’ve done is find fault with everything I say.”

“19 years,” said Helen.

Houndstooth jacket

“I THREW a ball for my dog the other evening,” says reader Marnie Quinn. “I know it’s extravagant, but he looks great in a tuxedo.”