Cold comfort

THE Strictly Come Dancing lineup has been revealed, as the show returns for the flumpteenth time. (Flumpteenth is 100 times greater than umpteenth, for those who didn’t pass Higher maths.)

Yet again the TV danceathon will showcase the moves and grooves of the UK’s most famous celebs.

Wusserface and Hingmy and Hoozatagain have all signed up to trip the light fantastic. Or maybe they’ll trip over each other’s feet, instead.

The Diary is a huge fan of ballroom dancing, which is why we encourage our crack team of reporters to shimmy and shake, even when slumped at their desks, bashing away on their Remington Rand typewriters. (1934 models, of course. We’re bang up to date when it comes to cutting edge technology.)

Shimmying and shaking also prevents our seasoned hacks from freezing to death in winter, for the Diary Editor hasn’t purchased a lump of coal for the communal fireplace in many a year, preferring to spend the petty cash budget on typewriter ribbons and tap shoes.

So dancing is definitely a delight for the Diary, though it will always come in second place to storytelling.

For that is our true calling, as the following classic tales from our archives prove…


Holidaying at home

A WEE wummin was rescued by rubber dinghy from her flooded street by Strathclyde Fire Brigade, then told a news crew: “Ah went tae see a medium last week and she telt me ah wiz gonny go oan a cruise. Never telt me it wid be up ma ain street.”


Grave matters

A GLASGOW family with six children was struggling to find a flat to rent as the size of the tribe was putting off landlords.

Eventually the father asked his wife to go sightseeing with four of the children in Glasgow’s Necropolis while he continued the hunt.

At the next flat he was asked how many children he had, and he sighed, before replying: “Six. But four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the flat.


Mind your language

A READER heard young chaps in Central Station discussing certain phrases.

“What does a ‘back-handed compliment’ mean?” asked one.

Another replied: “It’s when you tell people they’ve really nice knuckles.”


The name game

WE heard of a chap who had an ocular prosthesis whose surname was Love. He was, inevitably, named… the one-eyed Love.


Animal tragic

AT the funeral of an Ayrshire chap a friend eulogised him for his “contribution to sick animals”. The friend then added: “Though he didn’t know they were sick when he backed them.”



FRENCH company Renault discontinued their sports model the Renault Wind in the UK a while ago.

A reader said: “Probably too many people passing it.”