Funny peculiar

THE Diary is a serious and sober news forum, though occasionally we stray into the arena of humour, as we do today.

Our East Coast contacts inform us that some sort of festival has been taking place in Edinburgh, focusing on comedy and hairdressing. (At least we assume hairdressing is involved, for the word "fringe" has been mentioned.)

At this festival an award for funniest joke was won by comedian Lorna Rose Treen for the following one-liner:

“I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.”

As gags go, it certainly made the Diary editorial staff gag – and not in a good way.

Our readers have also been phoning us to show their appreciation for the joke by groaning into the receiver, then hanging up. (Admittedly we receive this sort of phone call most days of the year.)

Hopefully in the future the festival will stick to what it does best – acid perms and cut-and-blow dries.


Finger-licking good?

POPPING into a grubby Glasgow café, reader Chris MacDonald ordered toast with butter. The toast was plonked on the table, along with a pat of butter, though no knife to spread it.

Chris requested the missing cutlery, leading the waitress to fire back: “Ooh, get you, Mr Fancypants. Dinnae want tae spread yer butter with yer finger, eh?”

“Fortunately she was joking, and brought a knife,” says Chris. “Unfortunately it was dirtier than my finger.”


Straightened out

“I THOUGHT chiropractors weren’t proper medics,” says reader Harry Foster. “But I stand corrected.”


Rockin’ & chompin’

WE’RE turning famous music acts into yummy food. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton would like to nibble on Flan Halen with a side dish of David Lee Broth.


Mucky medicine

A SAUCY yarn from reader Maggie Cuddihy, who tells us her local pharmacy has changed hands. “The notice on the door reads ‘Please bare with us while we remodel the shop’,” says Maggie, who adds with a thrilled trill: “Are we going to have a nudist pharmacy?”


Not a-moo-sing

THE Diary is debating whether it’s feasible for a city slicker to own a pet cow. Reader Keith Morrison says: “I don’t see a problem, as long as you build a kennel for the animal in the back garden. Though I suppose you’d have to call it a cownnel.”

(Ouch. That’s the sort of line that could win awards in Edinburgh…)


Loopy lupines

“IF you give a wolf a philosophy book to browse,” says Mark Tyler from Cumbernauld, “it becomes aware wolf.”