Wicked game

SCOTLAND is a nation overrun by tiny savages.

In other words, there are a heck of a lot of kids around. For some unfathomable reason the Government hasn’t bound them in chains, or shipped them to a prison colony in the Antipodes. (Is Australia still an overheated jailhouse, or does it serve another purpose? The Diary must investigate this intriguing subject. The answer could lead to an award-winning scoop…)

But we digress. As mentioned, Scotland has a longstanding yoof problem.

One of our readers recalled a monstrous game played by cunning scamps, which entails ringing a stranger’s front-door bell, then scarpering. We also discovered that it’s known by a variety of names.

Reader Margaret Thomson shocks and dismays us by suggesting that, growing up in Greenock, she may have participated.

In her part of the world it’s called Ring, Bang, Skoosh.

The Diary fervently hopes the "skoosh" part of the game involves the child being caught, then schooled in the ways of civility, by being drenched with a bucket of ice-cold water.

Now that’s what we call a justice system…


Taking the biscuit

THE Diary is combining food with music acts. Robert Menzies suggests a singing snack... Eartha Kitt-Kat.


Tourist trap

WE mentioned the splendours of Italy, which reminds Roberta Blain of the time she told her 13-year-old son that the family holiday would be in that very country.

The ungrateful wretch merely shrugged and carried on with the important architectural business he happened to be conducting. (Working on a Lego Harry Potter set.)

Mum desperately tried to enthuse her son. “We’ll be travelling around,” she said. “You’ll even see the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

This got the youngster’s attention. No longer pottering with his Plastic Potter, he turned to mum with a thrilled face and said: “Do we have to share, or is it one for each of us?”

It transpired that the youngster thought he’d be meeting - then eating - a leaning tower of pizza.


Price is right?

BARGAIN time. Reader Andrew Edwards has old Higher Maths textbooks for sale.

“£2 each,” he reports, “or 3 for £15.”


Leap of faith

THE other day reader Paula Field said to her boyfriend: “I wish I was more athletic.”

He snorted, then said: “Well, you’re pretty good at jumping... to conclusions.”


Animal tragic

A SAD tale of the quest for love in the modern world. “I asked the lady in the pet shop out for dinner,” says reader Richard Peterson. “But she couldn’t make it. She was washing her hare.”