Emotionally yours

HOLLYWOOD thespian Ryan Gosling is set to guest-star in the new series of Doctor Who, which thrills the Diary. For we have always been impressed by the talents of Mr Gosling, who recently gave a perfectly plastic performance as Ken in the Barbie movie.

This made a refreshing change from his previous work, which can best be described as wooden, with his face running the emotional range from A all the way to A.

Next to Ryan, your average Cyberman is an affected ham actor, desperately mugging it up in front of the TV cameras in the hope of winning a Bafta.

Ryan, on the other hand, is like that old jar of anchovies lying forgotten in the dim recesses of the kitchen cupboard - his lid is firmly screwed shut.

Quite right, too. Once people start getting ickily emotional - once they let their anchovies run free - anarchy ensues.

Don’t believe us? Then read the following classic tales from our vaults, which are all about people and their messy, messed-up, madcap and emotional ways…


Weeping wobbles

A JORDANHILL mother confessed to us that she dismounted her new exercise bike at home sweating profusely, only for her puzzled young daughter to ask: “Is that your fat crying?”


Bouncer’s badinage

A YOUNG reader told us of being asked for identification at a Glasgow club to prove that he was legally entitled to sup alcohol. Behind him, a more senior gentleman, with a girl half his age on his arm, tried to joke with the doorman: “Why don’t you ask for my ID?”

Full marks to the steward for replying: “Bus passes don’t count.”


Sofa so silly

IT is a sad state of affairs that chaps in pubs often feel inclined to tell bad jokes. A reader was in his local in Paisley when a regular announced: “Did you hear that Alex fell into the upholstery machine at the Reid’s factory?”

“How is he?” asked a shocked and gullible mate.

“He’s fully recovered,” the first chap triumphantly answered.


Kids stuff

A WEST End reader overheard a Sauvignon-swilling woman in an Ashton Lane bar musing on the grim passage of time.

“You know you’re getting old,” she told the folk with her, “when your friends start having kids on purpose.”


Hard copy

A CHAP visiting his grown son asked if he had a newspaper.

“Dad,” scoffed the son, “this is the 21st century. We don’t do newspapers. Use my iPad.”

“Say what you like about new technology,” the chap later said. “That fly never knew what hit it.”


Anti-social media

TECHNOLOGY continued. A near hysterical chap told his doctor: “You have to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter.”

Replied the doc: “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”