She’s a keeper

YET again the Diary delves into that bizarre alternative universe otherwise known as the internet, where one of the social media sites is discussing the accomplished English thespian Helen Mirren, with a photo of the actress in her vibrant youth uploaded for all to gaze upon.

Not everyone on the site is satisfied with the image, for some people in the discussion are refusing to believe it is a genuine snap of the young Helen.

“Computer says ‘No’,” snorts one naysayer. “More like the goalkeeper from St Mirren.”


Maps of meaning

THE weather was doing its pretending-this-isn’t-Scotland-in-mid-September thing again.

In other words, there wasn’t a cloud on the horizon, a raindrop in the sky or an umbrella held aloft in anguish.

Delighted with this state of affairs, reader Val Hislop texted a chum to ask if she fancied going for a leisurely stroll.

The cheeky chum texted back: “Could you please send, ASAP, a detailed map of intended stroll? I want to see if it’s in any way picturesque, so that if the conversation flags I’ve got something to look at.”


Communication breakdown

CURIOUS reader Ross Lancaster was visiting his 22-year-old daughter, and noticed she keeps a landline in her flat.

He thought that, being a young ‘un, she would have little use for such an ancient artefact.

“Oh, that’s for when I lose my mobile around the house,” she explained. “Then I can ring it, and find out where it is.”


Planetary waves

PUZZLED reader Jamie Taylor says: “Isn’t it strange that flat earthers believe in a global conspiracy?”


(Very) significant other

TIPPLING in an upmarket bar in Edinburgh city centre the other evening, reader Patricia Green overheard a trendy gal at the next table say to her equally fashionable pal: “I’m not asking much from a boyfriend. As long as he’s got his own Wikipedia page.”


Batty spelling

THE nine-year-old son of reader Bill Webster is a comic book fan and especially likes the ones featuring burly American superheroes.

The little chap has even started drawing his own comics, and proudly showed Bill his latest effort.

He had sketched a picture of Batman as a little boy, and underneath the image was a misspelled name, which turned out to be rather appropriate.

For Bill’s son had written Bruce Wean.


No kidding

“MY husband hasn’t made a single joke in the ten years we’ve been together,” says Liz Cartwright from Falkirk. “I guess you could say we’re in a very serious relationship..."