Aliens in wee UFO's

The common or garden UFO is spherical and white or silver, but often translucent. Though most people can see through the phenomenon, yon Pentagon takes it seriously. Its summary of sightings says the typical UFO is 3-13 ft, suggesting the aliens are right wee or sitting in their craft individually like bairns in toy pedal cars.

Dirty story

Nearly two million people in the Democratic Aristocracy of Britain wash their towels just once a year, according to research. Men were mankiest  and Glasgow tied with Leicester for least hygienic city. So statistically, if you’re Glaswegian and male you’re a disgrace.

Baldy truth

Why did you not tell me there was a Mount Baldy in Los Angeles? It’s “named for its lack of tree cover”, I learn from a New York Times mini-crossword clue. The clue remained unfilled in for a while as I refused to believe the answer would be anything so insulting against our slaphead brethren.

Beastly invasion

The National Wildlife Management Centre says there’s a “real danger” of raccoons becoming the next invasive pest. Not their fault. The North American beasties were brought here illegally by exotic pet collectors. In Germany, they’re raiding hooses and stealing booze. If that happens here, it should be declared a national emergency.

Agony ant

Here’s another invader: pain-inflicting fire-ants. Every year, we’re warned about dangerous insects stravaiging hither to Britannia’s shores, though fortunately they’re mostly restricted to the south of England, which sounds like a hellhole. In the meantime, ’mon the insects. At least, unlike humans, or certainly the sensitive ones, they’re a fit for the ghastly planet Earth.