Flight of fancy

AMERICAN space agency Nasa reported this week that, after a painstaking investigation, they have concluded that the many UFOs spotted over the years are not of alien origin.

Instead, the sightings are merely planes, drones, weather balloons or some equally commonplace reality.

Diary HQ immediately informed all our reporters that this was the case, including our north of Scotland correspondent, the Loch Ness Monster, who is struggling to accept the findings.

Admittedly, Nessie is a bit of a fabulist, and claims to have spotted a genuine Yeti while holidaying in the Himalayas.

So it would seem that there are no little green men zipping around in the skies overhead. Does this mean that the world is bereft of magic and mystery?

Of course not.

As these classic tales from our vaults prove, even the most mundane of situations can lead to madcap antics and mayhem…


Doing the do

ONE of our readers once worked in Zambia where the employment of servants was an integral strand of the local economy.

Most of these paid helpers were excellent polymaths, talented in many fields.

One such person came to our reader and proudly handed over a glowing reference, which read: "Kingston did us regularly and, given the chance, he will do you."


Beastly bamboozlement

THE education system in Scotland was once the envy of the world. However it might have tailed off a tad, for a Glasgow reader was on a bus into town when a young lad picked up a free newspaper, glanced at a story, then asked his pal: “What kind of animal’s a scapegoat?”


Communication breakdown

TECHNOLOGY corner. A reader from Glasgow’s south side told us about a female chum who left a wine bar after lunch, then realised she had left her trendy black beret inside.

Returning to the watering hole, she explained to the waiter that she needed to look to see if it was under a chair or table.

Said the helpful waiter: “Why don’t we just ring the number and we’ll find it that way?”


Bum deal

FACEBOOK mis-spellings. A reader had to keep his face straight when his daughter posted on the social media site: “I love the smell of Paul’s colon.”

Our reader really hoped it was a reference to aftershave rather than a deep interest in anatomy.


Job jabber

THE manager of Marks Hotel in Glasgow was once asked if she ever got the chance to escape from work.

“Not really,” she sighed. “My husband’s called Mark - and he treats the house like a hotel.”


Lowbrow humour

A READER phoned to tell us: “I told a woman at work that her eyebrows were drawn on too low.”

He added: “She looked furious.”