Iron age is on way out

Ironing is for the disciplined. It’s not for your columnist. At a pinch, I’ll do shirts or troosers, but everything else is worn crushed. In this, I’m down with the kids. Research says one in three under-35 don’t even own an iron. While researching this paragraph, I discovered handheld steamers. There’s one in my Amazon basket now.

Worried sick

“Youngsters”, it says here, are using the impending end of the world as an excuse for pulling a sickie. They claim “eco-anxiety”. It’s a worry, right enough. But the best cure for worry is work. Takes your mind off things, ken? Still, phoning in with eco-anxiety sure beats having to ham up coughs when pretending you’ve a cold.

Ach, arachnids

Everybody loves spiders, but it’s a bit much when they invade your hoose. This is the season when they come indoors to mate: up to a billion of them in Britland. They’re even getting into high flats by “ballooning” on the wind. Ruddy wildlife: always getting in your face, or scurrying scarily across the floor. Wee swine that they are.

Tall order

Tall people are a disgrace, stravaiging aboot as if they own the place. Now, a Loughborough University study says a happy and loving childhood is one key factor in pushing up height. Tallness breeds arrogance – look at the Dutch – so it’s imperative the Government creates conditions for unhappy childhoods. What’s that? They’re already doing so?

Name dropping

This column has called for folk to change their names if they dislike them. We’ve also railed against stupid names, insisting these be changed: Smellie, Looney etc. They’re disgraceful. Now, we learn a gentleman of Detroit, USA, is refusing to change his name, despite being regularly beaten up for it. His handle? John Hittler. Unbelievable.


Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.