Phlegm throwers

THE smarty-pants son of reader Rod Hamilton bagged a law degree from Glasgow University a few years ago, and was enthusiastic about commencing his career in the prestigious legal profession.

Alas, the young chap’s eagerness was diminished after a discussion with one of his professors, a cynical fellow who noted that few prominent legal figures ever had their likeness illustrated on a commemorative stamp.

With a wry chuckle, the prof added: “That’s because anyone who purchased such a stamp wouldn’t be entirely sure which side to spit on.”


Dressed to thrill

WE mentioned the popular pursuit of swimming with dolphins.

This inspires reader Phillip Douglas to say: “I’ve heard about this type of thing, where adventurous holidaymakers dive into a large pool alongside a bunch of friendly aquatic mammals, while a large audience watches the spectacle.”

Adds Phillip: “Unfortunately I haven’t personally witnessed such an event, though I’ve often imagined what it’s like. I assume the dolphins wear bikinis and Speedos for the sake of propriety. After all, there must be loads of children in the audience.”


Boozy badinage

HOSTELRY humour. Gordon McRae tells us about a bloke who enters a pub and informs the barman that he’d like a pint of heavy and a Grouse.

The barman hands over the pint, then says to the customer: “Okay, council tax, buses or Low Emission Zones - what d’you want to moan about?"


Mind your language

WE’RE discussing the eccentricities of the English language. Graeme Thompson says: “I’ve often heard of people hemming and hawing. Does anyone ever go straight to hawing, and miss out the hemming?”


Colourful comment

THE other day reader Janet McGuire visited her grandmother, a woman in her 90s, who is very chatty, though occasionally stumbles on matters of vocabulary.

The elderly lady mentioned that one of her friends recently got her hair dyed.

“It’s a lovely shade,” she added. “Y’know, that  dark red colour… what’s d’you call it? Ah, yes… aubergine.”


Unreasonable rhymer

THE Diary is doggifying people of note. In other words, we're giving famous people from the past and present a Fido-friendly moniker.

David Donaldson provides some literary heft to this intellectual pursuit of ours by suggesting that dodgy doggy who entertained some truly awful political ideas, yet was a dab hand as a versifier… Ezra Hound.


Hard to swallow

RAVENOUS reader Mary Crowley went into a shop and asked for a pack of helicopter crisps. “They didn’t have any,” she adds. “So I had plain ones instead.”