The name game

JET-SETTING businessman Adam Doherty was recently working in sunny California.

Being a proud Scotsman, he was horrified by the warm and pleasant weather. So after completing his wheeler-dealing, he skedaddled to the nearest gloomy LA hostelry to wet his insides with whisky.

While there, he got chatting to a barfly who revealed that he was called Cliff.

At least that was what Adam initially assumed, until the man went on to explain: “That’s Kliff – spelled K-L-I-F-F.”

Says Adam: “I thought that was a bit half-hearted of the bloke’s mum and dad. When they decided to celebrate the birth of their son by messing with the name Cliff, why didn’t they go full tilt, and call him Klyph?”


The missing links

CONFUSED sports fan Ella Smith from Giffnock makes a shame-faced confession.

“I wonder,” she says, “if I was the only person to misread the caption under the picture of the extra water feature at the 17th hole of the Old Course, on the back page of a recent Herald sport section. I could have sworn it read the Dunhill LAKES Championship…”


Ditzy dogification

OUR pooch-loving readers are doggifying people of note.

If that sounds like a confusing enterprise, it simply means that we’re giving famous people from the past and present a Fido-friendly moniker.

Iain Mills suggests a four-legged version of a famous Canadian singer-songwriter… Woofus Wainwright.


Boxing clever

GLOOMY reader Robert Gardner was chatting to friends about funerals, and how he seems to have been attending rather a lot of them recently.
“Somehow we got on to the subject of using cardboard boxes instead of traditional wood coffins,” he says.

Analysing this unusual method of final transport, Robert and his pals decided that mourners could scribble on the sides of such a coffin how much they missed the deceased.
“I further suggested,” says Robert, who was clearly giving this grim subject some serious consideration, “that the cardboard box could have stamped on it the useful instruction This Way Up.”


Crossing the line

SOME useful literary advice from book-loving Barry Hicks from Paisley, who says: “If you come across a passage in a book that you don’t understand, the key is to underline it. The next person who owns the book will not only think you understood it, but that it is incredibly important. In that way you pass on the anxiety.”


Gaming the system

FUN-LOVING reader Mandy Clark tells us: “I played Bonopoly yesterday. It’s like Monopoly, only the streets have no name.”