Cooper country

ENGLAND sometimes seems like an exotic nation to the travelling Scot, points out reader Claire Quinn.

Visiting her daughter in Oxford, she assumed she had stumbled into a Jilly Cooper novel upon hearing two young ladies chatting in a tea shop.

“What do you think of my dress?” trilled one lady.

“Super fun!” shrieked the other, who added, “Très aqua blue. Am I getting an aquarium vibe?”

“Oh, yah,” giggled the first lady. “Completely!”


Mind your language

WE mentioned an elderly lady’s confusion over similar-sounding words.

John Mulholland points out that the younger generation are equally afflicted by this condition. 

“I was once at an office Christmas lunch where a salmon and prawn starter was on the menu,” he says.

“People around the table were discussing how delicious the prawns tasted when one of the younger members of staff piped up, ‘Aye, they’re just like the prawns ma mum gets fae M&S. Ye know, the wans that ur orgasmic?’”

Before the majority of our readers skedaddle to M&S, eager to bulk-buy edible crustaceans, we feel duty-bound to point out that the member of staff quite possibly meant "organic".


Politico pooch

OUR creative readers continue providing famous folk with doggy monikers.

Margaret Thomson recalls the nation’s former Glorious Leader, and imagines how impressive she would have been in Fido form.

We are, of course, referring to… Nicollie Sturgeon.


TV travails

A PATRIOTIC point is made by reader George Dewar: “Isn’t it a pity that few things are built in the UK nowadays? I recently purchased a television and it said ‘Built in Antenna’. I don’t know where that is, though it sounds like it’s bordering Texas.”


Cutting comment

UNIMPRESSED reader Tony Bell complains: “I’ve never understood the phrase ‘The best thing since sliced bread’. Surely sliced bread was never that great an invention in the first place? Before it arrived, most semi-intelligent people who happened to be in possession of a moderately sharp knife could just about manage to slice their own bread.”

With a greater sense of enthusiasm, Tony adds: “The baked bean in a sealed tin can, filled to the brim with tomato sauce – now that’s what I call an invention.”


Cross words

ANIMAL-ADORING Tricia Weaver took her young son to the zoo and showed him a zebra.

“Is it named after the zebra crossing?” Inquired the little lad.


Breaking point

TO dampen down the joys of Friday, here’s a pessimistic thought from reader Dave Robinson: “The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.”