Water palaver

AS the outdoor bowling season ends, Jim Morrison is reminded of an incident from last year.

A member of his club was given new bowling waterproofs for his 70th birthday, to replace the tatty gear he’d worn for years.

During the Monday evening wapenshaw it started raining. Everyone hurried into the changing room to put on suitable clothing.

When the bowler who had just celebrated his 70th came out, he was wearing his shabby old waterproofs.

Asked why he wasn’t looking splendiferous in his new ones, he came up with a perfectly reasonable explanation.

"I didn't want to get them wet," he said.

Dead reckoning

THE ever-cheerful Diary is discussing a rather gothic magazine that was a favourite of one of our readers.

The publication was named Casket and Sunnyside, and it reported on the undertaking business.

We’re surprised to discover that another of our correspondents, Phillip Edwards, also purchased the mag, though he informs us that it sadly went out of business years ago.

“Perhaps,” muses Phillip, “this was because the editor failed to think outside the box…”

The Herald: David Donaldson notes that this must be a very lusty lock, indeed…David Donaldson notes that this must be a very lusty lock, indeed… (Image: free)

High-tech tippling

A READER who goes by the sullen sobriquet of Grumpy Graham from Dunblane tells us he was a tad confused by an article in Saturday’s Herald, regarding the world’s biggest whisky tasting session, which took place online.

“I knew the internet could be used to transmit digital information at very high speed through fibre-optics,” concedes Grumpy G, “but that’s the first time I’d heard that the glass micro-fibres could be used to carry liquids.”

Having pondered the problem for a moment, he adds: “Unless, of course, they might have been using wine-fi.”

Heavenly nibbles

RETIRED Sunday School teacher Louise Cooper recalls once discussing the afterlife with a group of youngsters in her class.

One portly little fellow, who was very fond of his lunchtime snacks, thrust an inquisitive mitt in the air, before asking: “Can you get Cheesy Wotsits in heaven? Cos I really like 'em.”

Brought to book

COMEDY fan Ian Noble from Carstairs Village informs us that he’s just finished perusing Billy Connolly’s autobiography, Windswept and Interesting.

“It’s an excellent read,” concedes Ian, “but it’s all about him.”

My Left Paw

WE continue improving the names of notable people by providing them with monikers from the canine world. Margaret Thomson suggests that famously intense method acting mutt… Spaniel Day-Lewis.

Officer down

CONFUSED reader Fiona Roberts gets in touch to ask: “If a police officer quits his job, is that a cop-out?”