Cone to war

THE world of cinematic entertainment.

Bernard Harris tells us that he’s looking forward to the blockbuster flick about the life of Napoleon Bonaparte, directed by Ridley Scott, that will soon hit the big screen.

However, our reader is curious to know if the story will be told in its entirety, with due consideration taken towards veracity.

“I just hope the film contains the salient details,” says Bernard. “I’ll be disappointed if the Battle of Waterloo doesn’t include heroic scenes of the Duke of Wellington galloping into the fray while wearing his military traffic cone.”

Timely intervention

“THE clocks go back very soon,” notes Paul Cooper from Newton Mearns. “The trouble is, I can’t remember where I bought mine.”

Testy about texting

IRRITATED reader Richard McGill is well and truly fed up with predictive text. As the divisional manager of a transport firm, he recently texted a prospective client whom he met at a trade fair.

He started the message by typing: “Hi. This is Richard McGill. We recently swapped numbers regarding a possible business deal, and I was hoping…”

Unfortunately Richard was typing very fast, and had already pressed the "send" button before he realised that predictive text had mangled the message.

“I don’t think I’ll be getting any work from that client,” sighs our exasperated reader. “Who would want to do business with a bloke called Ridiculous McGill?”

Mucky moniker

WORK colleagues can have exceedingly diseased minds, notes Ian Noble from Carstairs Village, especially when it comes to the nasty nicknames they foist on their poor companions.

To prove his point, Ian adds: “I had a work colleague whose surname was Ellis. His nickname was Syph.”

Puzzling answer

LEGENDARY entertainer Andy Cameron was at Cathkin Braes Golf Club, chatting to some of his pals about their favourite magazines… GQ, Golf Digest etc.

“I surprised my chums,” says Andy, “by telling them that I buy The Lancet on a regular basis.”

The Lancet is, of course, the scientific journal that is read by esteemed members of the medical profession.

One of Andy’s pals inquired why he perused such a prestigious publication.

He informed the group that the only reason he reads it is for the competition.

“What competition is in The Lancet?” they demanded to know.

So Andy told them. 

“Spot the Boil,” he said.

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Frightfully funny

TIME for a Hallowe’en ha-ha. “What sort of key opens the door to a haunted house?” asks reader Sam Middleton.

The answer, of course, is… ”A spoo-key.”