Driven to distraction

One of the intriguing riddles about Scotland - which will no doubt be given an entire chapter in any future chronicle of our great nation - is how Nicola Sturgeon managed to rule without the help of a valid driving licence.

Her more passionate SNP acolytes perhaps believe that angels swooped from the sky, grasped Nicola under the arms, raised her aloft into the heavens above, then flew her wherever she had to go.

Or maybe she just took the bus.

In future, travelling will no longer be a logistical problem, for at the still-sprightly age of 53, Nicola has learned to drive.

Which reminds reader George Emerson of taking his driving test.

Getting in the car, he turned to the examiner and said: “I’m sure I’ll be on top form. In case I’m mistaken, could you tell me which button operates the ejector seat?”

Recalls George: “The examiner muttered not a word. Just flashed a contemptuous glare. Yet somehow I still managed to pass.”

Conversing canines

The Diary is improving the names of notable personages by giving them hound-like monikers.

David Walker says: “Who can forget the triumvirate of chat show legends: Terrier Wogan, Jack Russell Harty and, of course, Michael Barkinson.”

Teeny-tiny travelling

Useful advice from reader Craig Forrest: “If you’re going to try cross-country skiing this winter, start with a small country.”

Phone-y predicament  

Busy accountant Ian Fox has warned his elderly mother not to phone him at work, unless it’s an emergency.

She rang the other day.

“Yes?” said Ian in a concerned voice, bracing himself for bad news.

“I’m watching Sophie Grigson,” said mum, “and she’s hilarious.”

Sophie Grigson, for the uninitiated, is a TV chef who has a show that’s broadcast in the mornings. Ian’s mum, it transpires, is quite the fan.

“Mmmm,” said Ian, upon hearing this earth-shattering news.

 It was perhaps not the most friendly “Mmmm” Ian has ever emitted, as became evident when he slammed the phone down a moment later.

Fruit loopy suggestion

It’s reported that almost half the world’s bananas are on the brink of extinction due to fungal disease.

Reader Chris Robertson isn’t concerned.

“Even if all the bananas disappear,” he says, “we can just paint boomerangs yellow.”

Adds Chris: “They’ll actually be better than bananas, because they last longer when you chew them.”

Darkness visible

We end on a downbeat note. “I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink,” says reader Mary Lindsay. “I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.”