Chocs away

WE’RE trepidatiously tiptoeing towards October’s end. Which means many things…

Broomsticks whiz across the night sky, causing confusion and disarray amongst the air traffic control workers of Glasgow Airport. 

Ghosts and ghouls commence their yearly exercise regime by strolling through graveyards. (They’d prefer a shot on the rowing machines in the local gym, but they can’t afford the yearly membership fee.)

And to prove it really is the Hallowe’en season, the Diary has a… Christmas story.

Says reader Isla Buchanan: “I recall the year my husband - who’s a bit of a joker - bought me an Advent calendar. I was delighted, until I realised all the chocolate liqueurs behind the little paper doors had already been gobbled.”

Isla, understandably, demanded an explanation from hubby.

“I was just being thoughtful,” he said, “and gave you a special slimming Advent calendar.”

Says Isla: “Funnily enough, I forgot to buy him a Christmas present that year. A lack of sugary snacks always affects my memory in strange ways.”

Mind your language

THE Diary is discussing the vagaries of the English lingo. Says reader Colin Wood: “I’ve always wondered why people who go out rambling tend to stray ‘hither and yon’. Does this mean that, on their way back, and retracing their steps, they have to make their way ‘yon and hither’?”

Go west

THE Diary is improving the names of notable personages by giving them hound-like monikers. Margaret Thomson suggests that charming cowboy rogue and chum of the Sundance Kid… Pooch Cassidy

Super-speedy sale

ANOTHER daffy doggie drama. “I once spotted an advert in a paper stating: ‘Greyhounds For Sale’ claims reader Chris Robertson, who adds: “Underneath was written: ‘Going Fast’.”

Drive, she said

WE mentioned that Scotland’s former Glorious Leader may no longer be at the very epicentre of the political arena, but she is still up for a challenge.

For at the age of 53, Nicola Sturgeon passed her driving test.

Reader Jim Morrison, who is perhaps not Ms Sturgeon’s most fervent acolyte, says: “When I heard she’d passed her driving test at 53, at first I thought it meant attempts.” 

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Rules of attraction

TWO high school girls were overheard yakking on the bus by reader Linda Moore.

Said one girl to the other: “What d’you think of John?”

“John?” sneered the other girl. “He’s ugh.”

“Super ugh?” said the first girl.

“Not THAT bad,” said the first girl. “Just ugh.” 

Love… actually?

“I DON’T mean to brag,” brags reader Andy Ward, “but cashiers are always checking me out.”