Blessed by bubbles

A WHILE ago reader Beryl Cameron travelled with her husband to the Home Counties, to visit a couple they had known years ago in Glasgow.

This couple had done exceedingly well for themselves, and now lived in a large detached house with several Premiership football players as neighbours.

Best of all, when liquid gushed from the taps in their kitchen, there was a choice of still or sparkling water.

“Weren’t those taps incredible?” said Beryl to her husband, when they had returned home.

“Not really,” shrugged hubby. “Now, if there’d been sparking champagne when you flushed the toilet… that would have perked my interest.”

Car-tastrophe… or not?

OUR readers constantly bombard us with ingenious ideas for the betterment of humanity.

For some reason, none of these ideas has ever been embraced by the British Government. Probably because the British Government is far too busy with other pressing concerns, such as loading catapults with conkers, and firing them across the Dispatch Box at His Majesty’s Opposition.

The latest clever concept to come our way is courtesy of Kevin Connell, who says: “Car tyres should be packed with confetti, so that when you have a blow-out on the motorway, you’re tricked into believing it’s a celebration, not disaster.”

Hat-trick hero

THE son of reader Laurence Reed recently began a sports science degree in England. He phoned Laurence the other day to proudly reveal he had completed a hat-trick at the weekend.

“So were you playing on the university football pitches?” asked Laurence.

“No,” said his son. “It was the student hat-trick. Pub Friday evening; all-day sesh Saturday; and a hair of the dog Sunday.”

Laurence tells the Diary: “I’m glad he’s so committed to his sports degree.”

Pop picker’s puzzlement

MUSIC afficionado Bruce Johnson is particularly fond of the hits of the 1960s, though sometimes finds the lyrics confusing.

Says Bruce: “I never did figure out what the knights in white sat in.”

Chap & chip

HALLOWEEN is over, but the memories linger.

Comedy legend Andy Cameron says: “About 75 years ago we were chapping doors in Ru’glen’s more salubrious district, and asking whoever answered, in our cultured tones, ‘Gonny gies wur Halloween?’

“Unfortunately, on the way back I fell over my tumpshie and landed on my face. When my granny, Bella, saw me, she cried, ‘Christ son, have you been dookin fur chips?’”

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Dead sophisticated

DAFT gag of the day from reader Stuart Crowley. “What is black, white and dead all over? A zombie in a tuxedo.”