Chubbers in church

WE published a picture of a portly toy, called the Lack of Action Man, which amused reader Willie Ferguson.

It also reminded him of a planning meeting at his church regarding the building of an extension to the property.

“One chap suggested that he, and another pretty tubby church member, should go on a sponsored weight-loss programme,” says Willie.

“A voice from the back of the hall was heard to exclaim: ‘If you two go oan a diet, we’ll no need an extension.’”


Hospital corners

THE Diary is in the midst of an earnest discussion about the shortcomings of doors.

Architect Robert Menzies recently admitted that even he has struggled to open the pesky contraptions, including the ones he designed.

In case we are left with the impression that he is an outlier in his profession, he now tells us of a colleague who was invited to explain his layouts at the opening of a new hospital in Lanarkshire.

Having led the assembled throng diligently through one floor, he summoned them to follow him through a door up to the next level. 

A long line of dignitaries duly followed him… into a cleaner’s cupboard.


Madcap monikers, continued

WE’RE celebrating workplace nicknames. “I used to work for United Distillers,” says Stuart Macpherson. “One of my colleagues was known as Kettles, as he was always steaming.”


Magical maths master

THOMAS Fairley, who sadly died recently, was a well-loved dominie at George Heriot's School, specialising in mathematics.

Former pupil Eric Melvin from Edinburgh recalls students fondly referring to their teacher as Tam.

“He endeared himself to his classes with some memorable expressions,” says Eric. “The best was what he’d say if a maths problem was misunderstood.”

Tam would chalk the problem on the blackboard and ask the class for a solution.

Pupils sometimes deliberately wouldn’t answer, in the hope that Tam would utter the immortal words: “Watch the board boys, while I go through it.”

Says Eric: “The class would roar with laughter, leaving Tam looking somewhat bemused.”


Cold comfort

ACCOUNTS manager Emma Turner was a tad chilly, sitting at her desk, so asked the caretaker what temperature the central heating was set to in the office.

“Room temperature,” he assured her, with an air of professional authority.

“Are you sure?” queried Emma.

“Must be,” affirmed the caretaker. “We’re in a room, in't we?”

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Present imperfect

DISAPPOINTED Christ Robertson says: “I received a telekinetic calculator for my birthday. Not much of a present, but it's the thought that counts.”