Sachet survival skills

A CURIOUS tale from the chalk face.

History teacher Ralph Ritchie recalls a surreal incident that took place in a school in Glasgow’s south side, where he worked a few years ago.

“My third year class was settling down to a lesson,” says Ralph, “when, out of the blue, a boy from the back of the room said: ‘Sir! I think I’d be a really good hunter in the wild. I’ve got amazing survival skills.’”

Ralph wasn’t in the mood to encourage the young scamp in his foolish haverings.

So he said to the lad that he seriously doubted the veracity of such a claim, especially since the youth didn’t appear to be the most robust of individuals, and was surely more suited to the living-room couch than the Rocky Mountains of North America, or the Steppes of Xinjiang.

But the lad was having none of this negativity.

To prove his point, he plucked a sachet of tomato sauce out of his blazer pocket, and triumphantly said: “See? I’m always prepared. Just in case I spot a wild hamburger.”


Daffy Davy

WE mentioned that the UK’s new Foreign Secretary, David Cameron, is not the wittiest of individuals, especially when compared to his long-lost second cousin, twice-removed, Andy Cameron. (Otherwise known as the garrulous Glesga gag-merchant.)

Reader Chris Robertson doesn’t agree with our assessment.

“David Cameron is hilarious,” argues Chris. “Remember when he said he’d win the Brexit referendum? That’s got to be the funniest quip of the last 20 years.”


Upwardly mobile

LITERARY-MINDED reader Ray Butler tells us that he has high hopes that his new instruction manual will climb to the very pinnacle of the bestsellers list.

Adds Ray: “I’m writing a step-by-step guide, How to Avoid Elevators.”


Bogging suggestion

WE’RE trying to figure out what certain objects would be called if they had been named by the same bright spark who decided to call a two-way radio a walkie-talkie.

Reader Gerry MacKenzie says: “Surely the Portaloo would be called the navvy-lavvy.”


De Niro? De no-no

THE impressively cultured Diary recently mentioned sal volatile, which is, of course, another name for smelling salts.

Reader Helen Davis admits she wasn’t aware of this meaning.

“I always assumed,” says Helen, “that Sal Volatile was the name of an especially fierce gangster, played by Robert De Niro in one of those Scorsese flicks.”

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A CONFESSION from reader Douglas Barr, who says: “I never finish anything. I’ve got a black belt in partial arts.”