ACTOR Brian Cox was at Edinburgh's Festival Theatre yesterday collecting his honorary arts doctorate from Napier University.

Brian revealed that it was his fourth such degree, continuing: "My mother would be so proud if she was still with us. As she often used to say: Och, Brian's a nice laddie, but no' awfy bright.'"

Woe on the waves OUR mention of long-lost Radio Luxembourg DJs inspires Keith Moore, of Glasgow's Kelvinbridge, to ask if he's alone in missing Radio 1's Simon Bates and his Kleenex-soaking Our Tune feature. Laments Keith: "That syrupy music followed by Simon's so-sincere tones: Godda ledder from a young laydee in Wolverhampton - let's call her Maggie.

"Last year, Maggie holidayed in Majorca, where she met Derek. They got on well, had a few drinks, a few laughs before the inevitable happened.' This would entail Derek and Maggie splitting up. Or marrying. Or Derek and Maggie marrying and splitting up.

"Other options were Derek dying/ending up in a wheelchair, Maggie ending up in a wheelchair, Maggie having an abortion, Maggie having a baby, or the baby ending up in a wheelchair. Whatever the tragedy, however, there was always 10cc's I'm Not In Love as Their Tune."

Whiskyed away POCKET-SIZED pop diva Kylie Minogue concluded her stay in Glasgow by throwing a small private party in the Ubiquitous Chip's Wee Bar. In behaviour Amy Winehouse would do well to emulate, Kylie left early after a single medicinal drink, a hot toddy.

Military planning QUESTIONABLE interview answers, continued. Tom Meikle was asked to prepare a report on the effects upon Largs should the MoD move there.

Says Tom: "I waxed long and lyrical about military convoys, nuclear-free zones, traffic impacts and the damage to tourism on the Costa del Clyde."

It was only when Tom had proudly concluded his impassioned speech that the interviewing panel chairman revealed it wasn't the Ministry of Defence that was coming to Largs, but the Gaelic Mod.

Other halves READER Dave King, of Netherlee, is perplexed by our report of the eight-month jail sentence served by Charles Maguire for double bigamy.

As Dave asks: "If bigamy is marrying two women, is double bigamy marrying four?" In fact, Charles was guilty of marrying three women. The not-very-PC Dave also reckons every male bigamist is also guilty of the crime of masochism ("as if one mother-in-law isn't enough").

All in the delivery CAMPAIGNERS in Kinross bidding to keep Kinnesswood Post Office open have sent the axe-wielding government minister responsible, Postman Pat McFadden, 250 parcels wrapped in matching floral wallpaper.

Their packages included a message in a bottle which said: "If you close this post office, I'll be all at sea so I've sent this while I still can."

One campaigner will forever be grateful for the tact and aplomb with which Kinnesswood PO staff handled the five naked women he'd bought via eBay: shop mannequins needed for a costume exhibition at a local museum.