Which school did you go to and when?

What does it matter where I was schooled, what religion I am not? It's no big deal. You can't tell a book by its cover, because it's removable.When did I go to Trinity College, Glenalmond, near Crieff, a civilian all-boys boarding public school? During my school years, duh.

Top teacher?

One day Mr Macdonald came in with a cardboard box of paperbacks, he threw me Ian McEwan. A great teacher lights up. Lets you love what she knows, lets you trust your love.

Were you hard-working or hard work?

Was I hard-working? No. Sincerely, I cruised through on a cushion of bullshit, never able to worry about what results meant.

First team for everything or last to be picked?

There are no school records for tic-tac-toe, no almanac of champions of hide-and-seek. I love the flights and movements of all the sporting spheres. Was good at sport.

Belted, birched or bawled out?

Aged 14: caught buying booze, caned by the headmaster, who took a run-up and caught me one below the jotter, right down by the knee. I turned, swiped the cane from his hand, snapped it and cried: "This barbarism must stop. We are two humans here and if you want to continue you will need to physically overpower me." He flinched as I moved swiftly to stand over him, like Ali over Liston, then strode out. Neither of us spoke of it again.

Sad to say bye or longing to leg it?

(b) What do you wish they taught now?

Booze awareness, that writing what you imagine folks want is treacherous, above all that making things loveable is better than punishment.

Boys on tour - what was the best school trip you ever had?

The first big magic mushroom trip: nine hours of highly high heights, running around laughing and keeping from discovery.

Phil Kay will be performing at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival on March 24 and 25. For more information visit: www. glasgowcomedyfestival. com