It was difficult to see anything funny at all in the news this week.
BAE Systems unveiled plans to cut 835 jobs in Scotland. Govan and Scotstoun yards would remain open. Shipbuilding would stop in Portsmouth next year, 940 jobs would go there as would 500 of years of shipbuilding history.
The take on the story varied. Some implied the UK government were playing politics; others that people's livelihoods were being sacrificed and threatened for political ends.
Coalition ministers suggested the future of shipbuilding on the Clyde would be in jeopardy if Scots voted for Independence. Some reported a stay of execution others, quite bluntly, that the Clyde was spared over fears of the upcoming Scottish independence referendum.
The Daily Express reported that Lady Diana had been spotted shopping in Paris…
Nicola Sturgeon and Johann Lamont had a minor square-go at not quite FMQs. Both were quick off the mark, delivering some verbal haymakers, a few high tackles, kind of old style midfield general approach. Making a marker knowing that the referee, presiding officer Trisha Marwick in this case, wouldn't red card you so early on.
The interesting part of the heated debate was how both seemed so adversarial, yet were arguing over the same thing - jobs for Govan.
While in China the First Minister sealed a deal worth £20 million to screen football live to 60 million viewers. Any money coming into Scottish football is a good thing. Other than a Wonga pay day loan or finding loads of Picassos, Chagalls and Renoirs down the back of an old Nazi codger's sofa, it's difficult to see where any money was coming into Scottish football.
Radio 4's Any Questions? is coming to Beers-Den, outside Glasgow. That's how Jonny Dimbleby pronounced it. Bearsden, where the rappers wear T-shirts with Born in the Gateaux emblazoned across their chest.
I was stunned when I heard Nick Clegg accuse Jeremy Paxman of having a 'sneering' attitude towards MPs. Cleggy claimed big Paxo 'made a living off politics but treated all politicians as 'rogues and charlatans'. I was stunned because it's the only thing he's ever said that's true. Paxman is doing his job by showing some sneering contempt toward any politician on Newsnight.
However unedifying Clegg finds him, Paxman cross-examines and accurately reflects the way the viewer feels. It's the only approach to get an answer from someone whose default position is to never give a straight answer. If his rant is anything like the Lib Dem stance on tuition fees, the fastest U-turn in political history, next week he'll be saying Paxman's the world's greatest TV presenter, better than Alan Partridge and Ron Burgundy.
Spy chiefs were quizzed in an uncharacteristic public hearing. MI6 chief Sir John Sawers claimed that leaks from Edward Snowden had been very damaging and al-Qaeda were 'lapping it up'. Sawyers and the others on the committee defended how brilliant they were. No mention was made of the almost comedic sitcom plot when a terror suspect escaped his intelligence officers and government minders from a mosque disguised as a badly shaped woman in a burka and man's training shows.
If the words crack and pipe appeared in a story in Scotland, it would most likely be via a call to the council for an emergency plumber. In Canada it means something completely different, it means a day in the volatile life of Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford. He's been filmed smoking crack cocaine from a pipe.
The world's media literally descended on his front lawn and he's none too happy about it. Ford is part John Goodman, part errant golfer John Daly, part Tony Soprano. He's part old-time good old boy local councillor made good, part volatile lunatic. He's famous for taking on Hulk Hogan at arm wrestling and winning. He's prone to eruption if agitated, quick to anger and yesterday a secretly filmed video of him cursing, talking to himself and threatening to murder someone was released.
Despite losing confidence in him, Toronto officials can't remove Ford as Mayor unless he has committed a crime. The story is now being played out in front of the world's media. Will he go through the embarrassing TV confession route? Will he cry and bubble for forgiveness on Canada's equivalent of Opera for political redemption? Some will no doubt hope he the self destruction continues. His resilience and refusal to lie down are incredible. There's still a small place in the hearts of those who voted him in to accept his frailties. By the time you read this it might be all over.
Apology then follows apology, he was in a drunken stupor, his life is like a car crash, out of control with him steaming at the wheel and it's just about impossible to take your eyes off it.
I'm not suggesting that anyone in Holyrood should pick up the crack pipe but it would certainly make for a more interesting Newsnight Scotland, Scotland Tonight or First Minister's Questions.
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