Brace yourself Rodney! CRASH goes the chandelier. Are you buckled to your chair? I don't want attacked with a 7- iron.
The MPs and the controversial 11% pay increase proposed by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority? I say pay them.
What? Can he be serious? I'd respect someone more who stood up and said: "My wage should be comparable to a QC or a surgeon, I deserve this increase. I work hard. I'm one of only 650 people who have been elected to represent my constituents. I work long, difficult hours, receive no end of grief from the public and it's a difficult, stressful, job."
If they were in Germany, they'd earn the equivalent of £79,979, in the USA £114,660 and in Italy £120,546. I want the top people in the top jobs, representing us. I would rather pay someone the wage than have spineless leaders like Miliband and Cameron waiting to gauge public reaction and making a big song and dance about refusing it.
But here's the rub…I'd pay them on a performance-related basis. They can get £20K a year a basic and if they perform we build up to their max.
Like the days of old when we were brilliant at football. When Dundee United's Jim McLean paid his players £100 quid a week basic but a grand for a win. Cloughie delivered two European Cups for Forest with a similar structure (I may be exaggerating on both financial arrangements but you get the general idea).
If MPs work hard, show up at Westminster, perform well and prove they can do their job, they get their full 11%. Like public sector workers, their line manager decides if they deserve it. Performance-related pay. Very few, if any will get the top mark, most will just do enough but by and large they will be going through the same shocking process that millions of their fellow civil servants further down the food chain have to undergo. If nothing else, we'd certainly see Gordon Brown in parliament a bit more.
Am I alone in finding Thamsanqa Jantjie - the wee man signing for the deaf at the Mandela Memorial - hilarious?
I love the eccentric and delusional. People who will do anything to get on TV. Those who talk their way into Olympic opening ceremonies, get to state funerals, wander around Buckingham Palace - my favourite, is the plank who thinks he's Prime Minister.
At least, unlike our MSPs, he keeps quiet when communicating his gibberish. Prawns? Rocking horses? Signing gibberish? Hearing voices? Seeing angels? Give him his own chat show on Chanel 4.
Keen experts of turf accountancy would have picked up the secret subliminal message being communicated. Wee Thamsanqa is indeed a bookie and Alex Salmond was able to understand the tick-tack. He had money on Prawn Cracker, Rocking Horse, Seeing Angels and Delusional Signer and romped home with a four-horse accumulator.
Speaking of the country's gaffer, he was cut off in his prime at a rather panto-themed FMQs this week.
Ruth Davidson called him Pinocchio when pushing him over a question on Europe. Presiding Officer Marwick- the nippy sweety you don't mess with - made her retract the conk-based calumny.
Later there was nearly a riot and wee Nicola was holding back Alex, saying just ignore her she's not worth it and Alex was shouting and Ms Marwick was going mental and turned the FM's mic off. Honestly, sometimes it's the best half hour on the telly.
The selfie at Mandela's memorial brought together a significant key change that could only take place in a post-Mandela South Africa. Barack Obama, the black leader of the free world, the white female Helle Thorning-Schmidt, the Danish prime minister, and a hypocrite.
Cameron couldn't wait to be part of proceedings, shamelessly throwing out clumsy soundbites, jumping on the glowing tribute bandwagon. Clearly erasing all those now simply confused and misguided years when he considered Mandela a terrorist and joined his then leader Thatcher in demonising the ANC.
Those of a musical bent can imagine Nelson sing 'You'll be dancing on my grave' from the Mills Brothers 'You Rascal You.'
The Scottish Parliament has paid spin doctors £10million (of taxpayers' money) to bury bad news, be disingenuous, misdirect and divert since it opened in 1999.
They don't like being called spin doctors, preferring the term director of communications. This is because they are in charge of persuading the public through propaganda to back their side.
Unusually for politics, it's one of the very few titles that's clear and unequivocal. Spin doctors do what it says on the tin. Spin sounds as if they're spinning a yarn and doctors are called in to fix something.
With perfect timing, we saw Number 10's spin doctors swing into action quickly when the Prime Minister gloriously, as is his want, meandered off-topic when asked about Nigella Lawson claiming he was a member of #TeamNigella.
A public figure, never mind the Prime Minister, taking sides could jeopardise the trial. The judge was right to criticise Cameron and yet his team spun it to say he meant he was just a fan of the show and not trying to influence the case in any way.
Alcohol intake is now a huge political issue. Holyrood has been punitive unit-wise. This week a newly published report in the BMJ claims James Bond would be an impotent drunk, ineffective at work and going by his units he was indeed Scottish: 'Yessss! I love you!!!'
Doctors read all 14 books and worked out he drank 92 units a week, five vodka martinis, four times the maximum intake making him an alkiebassa. It's surprising how much profile this report has garnered by using Bond as an example but he's not really drinking is he? He's fictional. They'd be as well talking about Sue Ellen from Dallas.
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