What rhymes with French farce?

When I heard that French President Francois Hollande was duking around Paris after dark on a moped to see his wee bird on the side, the first thing I did was laugh.

The President has allegedly been having an affair with Julie Gayet, a 41 year-old actress -aren't they always- for over two years.

When you look at Gayet, then his official partner Valerie Trierweiler and his ex-partner Ségolène Royal you start to wonder what he has apart from a massive security detail?

Henry Kissinger is often attributed with the quote about power being a powerful aphrodisiac but it was an aide to Napoleon who was first to connect power and fame to seduction. 'Power is what women like, it is the greatest of all aphrodisiacs.'

It's difficult to feel sorry for highly paid public figures we've elected to serve, especially ones like Hollande, renowned for moralising and his haughty superciliousness.

I wasn't laughing at his travails, as much as the mental image of him in a carry-on type scenario. You know it must be bad when the former Cuban heels wearing imp Nicolas Sarkozy was taking the high moral ground, saying Hollande looked ridiculous as he was photographed allegedly leaving his mistress's apartment wearing a big stupid motorbike helmet.

Then I watched First Minister's Questions and it hit me. That's what we need. French politics had shown us the way…Step forward the master-shagger of Scottish Politics. Where are our great lovers? Our seductive romantics? Our poets and home wreckers?

Of course Scotland's heartbreaker would more likely be an enduring Sid James type less Don Juan and more Charles Hawtrey. Even if it isn't an affair just a scandal, come on, someone stealing a pie or not paying their train fare won't suffice, not anymore. I remember the old days when top Scottish politicians tried to burn down hotels. I was briefly thinking of Eric Joyce from Falkirk but a Scotsman liking a drink and going a mad with it is hardly crime of the century.

Then I looked at the Better Together side. Alistair Darling? No, too safe. Not that I'm implying anything but did you know Gordon Brown's real name is James Gordon Brown, AKA James Brown, the godfather of soul, and he's back on the scene. Brown used to look like a Beatle, admittedly the eighth or ninth one that played the washboard in the first incarnation when they were The Quarrymen playing St. Peters church garden fete. He looks more like Terry Jones of Monty Python now.

They're all too boring to have a highland fling. Imagine the excitement that would be pumped into the Independence referendum campaign trail if one of the main players was caught out having an affair? Well we can but dream.

When the sperm whale ran aground on Portobello Beach in Joppa, there must've been many an adviser, spin doctor, comedy writer or cartoonist wishing the First Minister was in his old shape. There's nothing quite like a beached whale run aground, the poor creature as an allegory for political ambition gone wrong.

Run aground, all hope gone, washed up and headed for an undignified end. But the bold yin's only gone and lost the weight. This week he was having anything but a whale of a time as posh pro-unionists heckled him in Perthshire as he launched the start of salmon season.

So, let's Meet the Frackers. I've nothing against fracking. I'm happy to benefit from any money made from hydraulic fracturing. I wouldn't want it in my back yard. So let's start some fracturing under number 10, better still, let's go for the one in 12 Years a Dave's country pile under the Chipping Norton set and get Rebekah Wade, Jeremy Clarkson and Cameron and pump them out in a foul swoop.

Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael unveiled a Top 20 list of reasons why Scotland should stay in the UK…For balance the Top 10 reasons from the opposite side. Cue Top of the Pops Led Zep music…In at 10… middle class white people trying to evoke Dunkirk spirit in a dingy around their mansion built on a flood plain…at 9. Matthew Corden with his head up footballers rear ends, dancing like a robot with Peter Crouch. At 8...at the end of the day it's a game of two halves and the smugness of English football commentators. At 7…the smugness of John Inverdale. At 6, imbeciles who say 'with all due respect' before being racist, or rude. At 5, elitists politicians who haven't the intellectual heft to pick their nose never mind read a book. 4…anything with Miranda - aside to camera- Hart in it. 3 anything with Sarah Millican in it. 2 Downton Abbey and at 1…The collective English view of 'Scotchland'; Tartan, Haggis, Braveheart, Sean Connery, Loch Ness, Subo, Deep Fried Mars Bar and Rod Stewart Scotland.

In the event of independence, Scotland could do worse than have soldiers guard the border and shout 'yer maw' at the English just like North and South Korea.

The North Koreans traditionally heckle, insult, slander the South getting them het up and annoyed. Tensions have become so taught recently that on the 30th of this month on the eve of the Lunar New Year a truce has been called to 'all acts of provoking and slandering' to try and stop the war of words. I like that kind of warfare, it's generally inexpensive, safe and no one gets killed.

The white paper finally arrived. I was slightly disappointed I have to say…when I heard Alistair Darling describe it as 'a catalogue of promises' I thought by its very shape and weight that it was the new spring summer catalogue and was looking forward to a quick peek at the pictures of the bras.