When Edward Snowden's was elected as rector of Glasgow University, I thought it was an audacious appointment.
Every university needs a decent IT guy. Someone who shakes their head at you and says 'yeah, like…switch it off and on again.' I've nothing against Snowden being rector, (on Thursday, Time Magazine, named him in this year's 100 most influential people in the world, alongside Beyonce and Bill Clinton) despite it being illegal to set foot in the UK, I was hoping he'd show up.
He had to be installed from a secret location. How cool would it have been if students and dignitaries were watching a pre-recorded message at the screening and he walked in?
Students would want more of an effort, for him to be part action thriller movie star, part superhero, like Sherlock Holmes- not the stupid new one- but the amazing Basil Rathbone in disguise, maybe as someone in charge of the wine at the reception.
I'd make the effort to get to Bute Hall; I'd risk arrest and going behind bars for the sake of free wine and nibbles…
Ed Miliband is bringing his Shadow Cabinet to Scotland. The full cabinet, getting away from a routine meeting in London…on a Friday? That's not a cabinet meeting, that's a weekend away on the sauce. Shared currency? That's the kitty.
More News from nowhere…
Fred Goodwin arrested spray painting a wall and copying the distinctive stencilling technique of Banksy, demands to be known as Fredsy.
Tourist chiefs claim Loch Ness monster sighting at start of tourist holiday season, purely coincidental.
And now our exclusive interview with St George
IMPOLITIC: Morning, St George. Thanks for letting us drop by. Nice place you've got here. Can we have a photo?
St. GEORGE: Yeah, whatever. Do you want me on the horse? Lance, regalia, the works?
IMPOLITIC: We're thinking more relaxed. St George at home, in the lounge, on the lap top, pot of tea brewing in the kitchen.
St. GEORGE: I know you. I know that voice…Take those stupid sunglasses off.
IMPOLITIC: (Hiding face) I'm your Scottish cousin.
St. GEORGE: No, you've done me wrong. I never forget a face. You've upset me.
IMPOLITIC: I'm sorry, you're right, I reported you to the Health and Safety Executive. You were jumping around my mid terraced house on a horse with your lance; it was just too dangerous, not to mention impractical.
St. GEORGE: You clearly don't like me. Just like the rest of Scotland what's happening up there anyway?
IMPOLITIC: Independence, haven't you heard? Oh it's all happening. That's not true; we used to like you on your horse, St George. Every time we saw you we thought of Monty Python and The Holy Grail.
St. GEORGE: Yeah I get that a lot. That and Clifford from the mouthwash ad.
IMPOLITIC: l always imagine someone just off screen with coconut shells doing horse hoof side effects. Anyway what about the flag?
St GEORGE: What do you mean? I love that flag!
IMPOLITIC: The flag's been hijacked and you've changed.
St GEORGE: We prefer to say rebranded. Look, I haven't changed everyone's opinion of me has, now you want a divorce. Independence? Fine. Just go…Walk out the door; don't turn around now, cos you're not welcome anymore. You all make me and my country feel so far off the page that I feel marginalised.
IMPOLITIC: That's funny.
St. GEORGE: Did you see what I did there?
IMPOLITIC: Look let's just keep it light; describe your perfect day?
St GEORGE: Long lie, full English breakfast, Eastenders Omnibus, The Italian Job, an England game in the evening, HP Sauce, bangers and mash for dinner, warm ale, game of darts down the pub, end the day with some dragon slaying, grabbing a maiden and sit down to Victoria Coren in Only Connect.
IMPOLITIC: See that's what's wrong, all that rubbish about dragons - who writes this stuff? Slaying a dragon? There's no evidence of all this. St Andrew, there's a real Saint. Andrew even means manly. Relics are there, you've nothing. You're massive in Palestine but no one in England knows when it's St. Georges Day.
St. GEORGE: I'm popular in loads of places matey, some I've never even heard of. It's not easy being me. They all want a piece of me.
IMPOLITIC: So, when was your favourite time in history St. George?
St. GEORGE: Honestly? That's easy. Mid 1990s; Blur V Oasis Britpop battle, Engerrrland doing well at Euro 96, beaten on pens by the Germans as ever. Cool Britannia, the Spice Girls.
IMPOLITIC: Did you hear Cameron saying St George's Day has been overlooked for too long?
St. GEORGE: Oh bless, he means well I suppose. If it's not me it's One Direction. As long as he doesn't mention the love of my life, The Dragon Lady in Game of Thrones.
IMPOLITIC: He said, 'it's great to be English because Newcastle Brown Ale is big in America, everyone cheers for Arsenal in China, and South Koreans love a bit of Downton Abbey. Oh, and don't forget The Beatles'.
St. GEORGE: I can't comment on that stuff; I'm above politics and the whole class what's-it structure; I'm eh, you know, part of the intelligentsia.
IMPOLITIC: OK, listen thanks for taking the time to speak us.
St. GEORGE: Pleasure, now get off my land…
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