Valentine's Day - the most wonderful time of the year if you're the kind of person who has a wall sticker above your bed proclaiming 'never go to bed without a goodnight kiss <3' (that's a digital love heart inside the bracket, for the emoji illiterate bunch).

Sketchy decorating choices and potent sarcasm aside, it's a holiday that polarises opinion.

Like the invention of the sewer, Valentine's Day originates from Ancient Rome. Some would argue that's not where the similarities end, but in the interest of impartial reportage it's important to note that for many it is a much-anticipated celebration of love and affection.

Irrespective of where you feature on the Valentine's Day love to hatred spectrum, here's a selection of alternative gifts that should appeal.

For the joined-at-the-hip couple

 

Know that couple who consult each other in hushed tones before ordering the same thing at restaurants every time, and are impossible to separate at parties because they only really enjoy talking to each other? These Fundies will suit - decidedly unsexy pants that fit two people inside. The theory is that once the choice is taken out of hanging out, it'll be much less fun. And a little chafe-y. See how they like themapples.

For the we-should-probably-break-up couple

On the one hand, a rose is a symbolic representation of love in its purest, most simple form. On the other, it's a gift that no matter how much nurturing goes in, no matter if it's named after the child you've not yet had, no matter how much goddamn Baby Bio you feed that son of a gun, will inevitably die - much like a relationship (statistically speaking). One positive factor is that the Name a Rose kit comes complete with a rose booklet including tips on bush care. Just sayin'.  

For the arts 'n' crafts couple

After a hard day's work, many like to kick back at home a box set and a cold beer. Others prefer the gym, or a swim. Others still enjoy visiting family or socialising with friends. And some like to pursue artistic endeavours because the idea of making a tangible object that reflects creativity appeals. For amateur potters this 3D willy mould kit might be the answer for Valentine's Day - make an exact replica of your partner's penis and decorate with glitter and sequins. Or so say the instructions, anyway.

For the crazy cat person

There comes a point when all gift options for cat lovers have been exhausted. The Grumpy Cat soft toy is old news. The mirrored compact with the technicolour kittens on the front has been bought by someone else. But an unexpected concept is teaching a cat to dance - and how better to learn than with a 96-page hardback edition of Dancing With Cats complete with images from as recent as around 1986. Bonus points available for choreographing special something to Careless Whisper on Valentine's Night itself.

For the carnivore

Because nothing says I love you better than a piece of meat cut in a heart shape, give the gift of protein this Valentine's Day with ALDI's limited edition pork, which resembles a traditional heart shape.  Reports that the steaks were taken from pigs with perfect heart-shaped backsides branded with a Shakespearean sonnet instead of a number are so far unfounded. Available nationwide while stocks last. 

For the spurned singleton

Hell bent on ending Valentine's Night in tears clutching a bottle of booze and singing Celine Dion? Do it in style, at least. The clever bods at Eden Mill Distillery have decided to maximise on the nation's latest love affair with gin and release a Valentine's Day special. LOVE.GIN is delicate pink in colour and has a pink grapefruit and rose water nose. Beats pink and watery eyes anyway.

For the narcissist

The Selfie Brush is both an iPhone cover and a hairbrush in one. Sure, it'll make a phone easier to spot in the depths of a handbag, but only because it's the size and weight of a newborn child. Also, the back-facing camera is off limits so there's only the front one to capture the crushing disappointment on the Selfie Brush recipient's face.

For the domineering partner

Life's too short to always remember to hang up wet towels. Next time you're nagged, have a defiant message pre-recorded on this magnetic voice recorder ready to be played into the face of an already angry loved one. Or one that says there's a delicious treat waiting for them in the fridge by way of an apology, depending on where on the psychopath spectrum you feature.

For the person who always gets a bum present

There are few ways to introduce a set of chocolate anuses that would truly do it justice. But sometimes, a gift doesn't need any extra explanation except for reassurance that it contains only 100% Belgian chocolate (milk, dark and white), and no one was harmed in the casting process which apparently involved a chance acquaintance offering her services to the creator at a bus stop.

For the kinky maw

Apparently there's an upcoming film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey to be released in time for Valentine's Day, not that there's been approximately 8267 cutting think-pieces written about the morality behind the movie or anything. The thing about this Grow your own Mr. Grey Doll is that it can probably be given the acupuncture treatment* if you decide big Christian should get it in the neck. *Any injury incurred by Jamie Dornan is purely coincidental and in no way related to HeraldScotland's advice. Probably.