PRIZE for the worst voter outreach effort of the whole election surely goes to the SNP’s Danus Skene in Shetland. Canvassing Whalsay recently, the Old Etonian crashed his car into one of only two payphones on the island, wrecking it completely. The locals, who don’t have the world's best mobile coverage, are reportedly livid. “I didn’t wish to deprive them of it," sighs Danus. “I don’t have an excuse or an explanation.” And they said Alistair Carmichael was unpopular up there...

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KEZIA Dugdale bragged Labour was going back to its roots when she launched the party’s manifesto yesterday. Alas, as a prominent plaque informed all those arriving for the event, the venue she chose was opened in 2013 by one John Swinney.

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ALEX Neil is gleefully claiming credit for every SNP policy ever on his Airdrie & Shotts leaflets, we hear. “Nationally I have served in the SNP Cabinet, which has brought huge benefits for the people of Scotland, including a record house-building programme, huge investment in the NHS, high levels of employment, land reform, free tuition, free prescriptions, and much more.” Surely it’s only a matter of time before the great man personally delivers independence too.

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THE Tories love plugging Stirling candidate Dean Lockhart as a working-class lad from Larkhall’s Keir Hardie Road. Even David Cameron mentioned it. But what of lawyer Lockhart’s current digs? It seems he doesn’t rate his chances of being Stirling's next MSP, as he's just bought a £1m-plus townhouse in Edinburgh's New Town.

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THE son of Labour's Uddingston candidate, Michael McMahon, was in Dundee last week for the STUC. Dad hoped he'd dash back to help him, but instead the lad hung around to canvas in Angus. This evidently angered the election gods, and young Gerard was promptly bitten by a dog and treated in Ninewells Hospital. Michael now teases him about being justly punished for biting the hand that feeds him.