What did he say?

GLASGOW-BORN author Ryan O'Neill, now living in Australia, has been shortlisted for the Australian book award, the Miles Franklin Award, for his irreverent book taking the mickey out of Aussie culture, Their Brilliant Careers. It seems the old phrase about 'you can take the boy out of Glasgow' is true as Ryan tells us: "I've been in Australia about 13 years, but as Australians never tire of telling me, I still have my Glaswegian accent.

"In a shop the assistant asked me, 'Anything else?' and I said, 'No thanks, that's all'. After we walked out, my friend who was with me said in a shocked voice, 'Why did you call him an asshole?'"

Picture this

WE liked the comment from SNP MP Mhairi Black in an interview in Holyrood magazine when she decried the attempts by tabloid newspapers to dig up any stories about her. She said: "My pal, I think it was the Daily Mail or the Sun, offered her money for photos of me and the first thing she did was screenshot the offer and send it to me and asked, 'How much?'. I was like, 'Aye, if they go over £60,000, just give me ten'."

Treated royally

BBC News announced that Princess Charlotte will attend a London nursery school in January. A reader emails us with the clarification: "The school is called the Distract Us From The Brexit Crisis By Sticking A Royal Child In Our Faces Kindergarten."

Tipsy Topsy

HOW'S the Christmas shopping going? Reader John Lawson tells us: "I was in Waterstone's on Sauchiehall Street looking at the new adult versions of Ladybird Books. Two women were looking on disapprovingly when I picked up one called The Hangover. One women said to the other, 'D'ye mind when Ladybird Books were for kids?' 'Aye,' said her pal. 'They'll be bringing out Topsy and Tim Get Pished next'. It gave me and lots of other customers a well-needed laugh."

God's gift

TALKING of books, a reader anxiously phones: "Is the new Herald Diary book still available as a last-minute present?" It is indeed we reassure him. The Herald Diary, subtitled Somebunny Loves You, includes the story of the chap in the Byres Road pub telling a woman that he was God's gift to women. "Only if God shops in Poundland," she replied.

Call the polis

CONGRATULATIONS on Mo Farah winning the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year, beating bookies' favourite, boxer Anthony Joshua. Cheshire Police later took to social media to announce: "Calling 101 to complain that the person you voted for to win the Sports Personality of the Year is not an appropriate use of the service and a waste of 15p. Please think carefully before phoning us."

Only the loanly

AN EDINBURGH reader tells us he was at a dinner-party where the host asked the guests if they still kept in touch with their friends from their university days. "The only person from the yoonie who still writes to me regularly is the student loans company," one chap replied.

Sticky choice

A PIECE of Christmas daftness from Joe Knox who says: "My wife said, 'All I want for Christmas is UHU'. So just on my way out to buy her a tube of glue."