CORBYN is “pants,” the May Government is “rubbish,” Cameron was a terrible Tory premier and the Conservative Nationalists are worshipping at the altar of Brexit.
It could only be the Gospel according to St Nick. The onetime Deputy Prime Minister flew on angel wings to the conference fringe of the day.
Calamity can still draw the yellow faithful. A larger room had to be organised to accommodate the Clegg worshippers, clapping and cheering at their fallen hero, who unexpectedly lost his Sheffield seat in the 2017 snap poll.
Prof Clegg(he now teaches the art of sanctimony at the LSE) insisted he disagreed with Jo Swinson - never a wise move - who had cast doubt on some of the decisions of the Age of Stability that was the Lib-Con coalition.
St Nick puffed out his chest and insisted he was “proud” of his record in government, including “massively reining in” some of the darker Tory excesses.
Talking of which, he touched on his old Etonian chum; that fallen Tory angel Dave. Whatever happened to him?
Cleggy, noting kindly how the thing the head Cameroon would be “remembered for forever” was calling that referendum, argued Dave was a “very bad Conservative Prime Minister”, much worse than when he led the Coalition, at which, St Nick admitted, he was adept.
Savouring the idea, Calamity pointed out that when his Tory chum finally achieved a majority government to lead in 2015, “it all went utterly pear-shaped”.
St Nick suggested the Tory brethren were now worshipping at the “theological altar” of Brexit, refusing to recognise the damage their dark religion would do the economy.
“History will judge Theresa May very, very badly because she has allowed herself to become captive to that theological push.”
Calamity’s blood was up.
“The extraordinary thing is this Government is so rubbish. A half decent opposition party could destroy this Government in a week. The great imponderable in British politics is how can the Labour Party and Jeremy Corbyn be as pants as they are.” The yellow peril loved that and clapped enthusiastically.
All of which bode the obvious question: if the nasty Tories and Labour were so dire, why weren’t those lovely Liberals doing better in the polls; the last one put them on a mighty six per cent.
St Nick blinked quickly and suggested the “walloping” his party received in 2015 was so hard that it would take time to recover. “It was like a boxer who was k’oed, as a party we were staggering around, a bit dizzy from the blows we had received.”
But what was “wonderful” about the Lib Dems was they were now recovering, “rattling the cage” and showing their natural optimism. “I genuinely think we will recover,” he boomed.
And with that the lesson ended. St Nick flapped his wings and ascended skywards, the applause of the faithful ringing in his ears.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here