Stir crazy

WE mentioned Glasgow's west end, and a reader there tells us: "My wife's doctor suggested she try going dairy-free for a month to help her sinuses, so when she ordered a pot of tea in Kember & Jones on Byres Road, she asked, 'Could I have a wee jug of oat milk with it?'

"The nice young Polish girl must have learned her English in Glasgow because she duly delivered the tea with a jug of milk which turned out to be from a cow – but it was indeed very 'hoat'."

Coining it in

OUR chief football writer Matthew Lindsay was speaking to former Rangers star Ally McCoist at the launch of the Kris Boyd testimonial match when the conversation got round to the recent spate of coin throwing at Scottish matches. Says Matthew: "Ally was asked about Kris Boyd’s actions after scoring for Kilmarnock against Aberdeen on Sunday – he had done a fat belly celebration in front of the away fans who had been giving him stick about being overweight. It was suggested to Ally that Aberdeen fans wouldn’t throw money. He said, 'He was lucky he never got hit with a half-crown'.”

Don't panic!

A BEARSDEN reader tells us she was round at a friend's house when her pal referred to one of the rooms as "the panic room". This bemused our reader who asked: "What, one of those panic rooms that rich people have to hide in if they come under attack?" "No," said her pal, "A panic room where you throw all the clutter in quickly when someone arrives at your house unexpectedly."


WE asked about tales of councillors, and Dan Edgar reminds us of the classic: "Years ago there was a serious debate in one of the smaller burgh councils about the construction of a new urinal. A councillor who was not the brightest star in the constellation had to have what was meant by a urinal defined for him. He then exhorted his colleagues, 'It would be sensible to include an arsenal in the construction as well."

Hard to swallow

PEOPLE, it has to be said, can be a wee bit snobby when they go to airports. As stand-up Lee Peart confessed: "I’m on a plane and some woman next to me is eating a Burger King! It’s 11am, have some grace! Have some decorum! Meanwhile I'm sipping a double gin and tonic in disgust."

Medal position

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a young woman on his bus into town tell her pal: "If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth, so I wouldn't have to clamber onto the podium."


TIME to throw our bag of wayward golf shot stories into the locker as Jim Morrison ends the series. "Playing in a four-ball at Loudoun Gowf Club in Ayrshire years ago we arrived at the 5th tee and our host Stuart says, 'There’s the head greenkeeper with his new tractor on the fairway. He will go into the left-hand rough as he knows I always fade my drives.' Whoosh goes Stuart’s driver, producing instead one of the biggest hooks I have ever seen. Smash goes the window of the new tractor. The greenkeeper had the sense to stand outside the tractor, so no one was injured – just Stuart’s pride."

Hop to it

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "I hopped on a bus today. After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down and stop annoying the other passengers."