A QUESTION perhaps a few readers have personally experienced. A Newton Mearns reader tells us he was at the local shopping centre where he bumped into a pal staring at a piece of paper. His mate looked up and asked him: "If your wife makes up a shopping list, is she required by law to include at least one strange item you will never find?"

Tunnel vision

WE mentioned Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab having difficulty with the concept of Britain being an island, which apparently has earned him the nickname by colleagues of Raab C Brexit. Anyway, Barham Brummage tells us: "It reminded me of a trip to EuroDisney with a party of children from Shotts, not long after the Channel Tunnel opened. We got the coach onto the train and disembarked. Most of the kids were wandering about but one had her nose up against the train window and was peering intently into the gloom. After a while she asked when we would see the fish. We replied with reasonably straight faces that if she saw fish swimming past the carriage we might just have a problem."

Dishing it up

OUR tale about men who retire while their wives are still working provokes a reader: "I too am in a similar situation, although it can lead to difficulties. Just this morning my wife left for work without emptying the dishwasher, leaving me in a tizz as to what to do with my dirty breakfast dishes!" It goes without saying that he asked us to omit his name.

That's a wrap

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Alison Masterson in Inverkip who says: "Just thought I'd say, did you or any bakers who read your column know that a double folded page of The Herald is just the right size to wrap round the outside of a cake tin when baking a Christmas cake for several hours?" Good to know we can be of some help, Alison.

Any port

SOMEHOW our story about New Zealand accents has triggered some memories. Ian McLaren in Paisley tells us: "On holiday in New Zealand a few years ago we had a lovely meal in the hotel and wandered through to the bar for a nightcap. I asked the barmaid what ports they had. She recommended the Tinya. I said I'd never heard of that, and could I see the bottle. Turned out it was a 10-year-old."


SAD to hear of the death of the retired minister at Glasgow Cathedral, the Rev Laurence Whitley, who was always courteous and engaging at the numerous events he had to attend. I remember him once being asked to say grace at a splendid Glasgow Trades House dinner. He stood up, paused, looked around at the 200 guests, looked at the table in front of him and remarked: "Well, I was about to be thankful for our food – but I seem to be the only one without a starter."


A FINAL thought on the Armistice Day ceremonies and interviews on television, with a reader phoning to ask: "Why does the President of France speak better English that the President of the United States?"

Sinking feeling

OH dear, here comes a colleague over to my desk uninvited. "I've got a new sideline, converting lofts into yachts," he booms.

I just stare until he adds triumphantly: "Sails are going through the roof."