Xherdan Shaqweeri

READER Trevor Muir was so impressed by wee chunky Liverpool player Xherdan Shaqiri, scorer of two goals in the crunch game against Manchester United on Sunday, that he checked him out online, where Wikipedia had him listed as being 1 metre (3ft 3in) tall. “No wonder the Man U players had a problem with him,” notes Trevor. “Makes Jimmy Johnstone look tall!”

Baad answer

A STIRLING reader sent the Diary’s recent item about a sheep drawn on a school blackboard to her sister-in-law, who used to teach in rural Wales and was reminded of a time when the Welsh National Curriculum of Geography was introduced. “In one part of the course we had to compare two diverse regions, urban and upland. After a few sensible answers I got my all-time favourite: ‘People in a town wouldn’t have a pet lamb that died of the skitters.’”

Cop out

THE Diary’s recent item on Glasgow City Chambers’ creaking lift reminded reader David Russell of travelling through Edinburgh City Chambers. “Back in the 1970s I was a beat cop in Edinburgh's Old Town. Us beat men played a game of cat and mouse with the section sergeants and shift inspector by being difficult to find. My beat took in Cockburn Street and the High Street and it was easy to enter the City Chambers, take the lift and appear a minute later in the Royal Mile. All in pursuit of a wee refreshment. It also kept the neds guessing as they thought there were far more cops than there actually were.”

Idle handouts

THE Viz Xmas annual is out but, until you unwrap that, you can enjoy the excellent magazine’s tweets, which include this reader’s letter: “According to something I just saw on the news, laziness costs the UK £2.5m per day. I am bone idle but I haven’t seen a penny of this money. What am I doing wrong?”

Die another day

OUR cheery series of crematorium stories reminds a Milngavie reader of the following old one. What’s the one thing you would like to hear when your best pal is giving your eulogy? ”Hold on a sec … I think he’s moving!”

Above board

THE Herald’s story about the new Edinburgh Monopoly game flying off the shelves before Christmas reminded us of the immortal line by rapper Eminem: “I’m standing on my Monopoly board. I’m on top of my game.”

Collectors’ item

NEWS stories about the allegedly vast earnings made by train drivers in London have prompted envy in Scotland, perhaps particularly among ticket collectors, who also do an important job. As a wise traveller once said: “Ticket collectors. You’ve got to hand it to them …”

Bridge too far

THERE’S no escaping death, not in the Diary at least, and reader Russell Smith is reminded of an item in The Herald’s Notices and Announcements intimating a sudden demise in Helensburgh, which came with the rider: “We never knew Bridge could be so exciting.”

Deira dear

“SOMETIMES the old ones are the best!” notes reader Sandy Tuckerman with admirable candour, before offering the following as proof: “I went into the baker’s to buy some Christmas treats for the office. Asked how much the cakes were. The woman serving said they’re all 50p except that one. It’s £1 because it’s Madeira cake.”

Reader Deedee Cuddihy was well taken with these “wirsit drawers”, which Shetland Library declared to be its most popular Facebook post ever. Readers were itching for a pair.