Hard to swallow

A READER phones to tell us: "Thank goodness that's the amateur drinkers gone from our pubs for another year." When I ask what had upset him, he explains: "I was standing behind a lad at the bar who looked at the 80 Shilling India Pale Ale with its 80/- sign and asked for a pint of "Eighty slash dash."

Have a stab

AS others sees us: a magazine in Houston, Texas, the Houstonia, started a travel piece about Glasgow last week with the statement: "Googling 'Glasgow', the results are sobering. 'Pregnant woman attacked and robbed in Glasgow.' 'Glasgow gangland wars have scarred city with stabbings, shootings and murder.' Scotland’s largest city has a bit of a reputation."

However the author had a good time when he visited the city so he then adds the memorable line: "Don’t join a gang or precipitate a bar fight, and you should be fine."

Good advice, really.

Claws out

CAT lovers may well recognise the dilemma that cat owners, the writer Muriel Gray and stand-up Susan Calman describe. Muriel wrote to Susan on social media: "Dear Susan Calman cat expert. Since our son, who was most beloved by the cat, left home, the cat has decided it sleeps with us. This is proving annoying. Please tell us it is fair and reasonable to shove said cat off the bed. Yours. Sleep Deprived of Glasgow."

But as Susan graphically replied: "We had four cats on the bed last night. I slept bolt upright at the top right corner of the mattress with a jumper on because all the duvet was being used. Lee was spooning two cats. When I complained I was told that the spare room was available for me. This is my life."

A poet

SAD to see the news that Glasgow poet Tom Leonard has died. A great writer, he was also ready to point out the flaws of people in authority. I once saw him at Glasgow's Aye Write festival where he was surprised people had to pay £7 to see him. As he told us: "The rake-off I imagine will be needed to pay for the hotels and sizeable fees of the media celebs who are travelling from England. I've no doubt that if I was one of those whom the festival organisers think of as 'recognised in England, and in the English papers', council culture committee members would consider it a significant honour to be allowed to wipe my bum should I go to the toilet."

Took a vow

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "Therapist, 'I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?' Patient, 'Can't say I do.' Therapist, 'That's one of them'."

A bit of a turn

TIME to draw a curtain over our funeral stories with Ronnie McLean musing: "While reflecting on our close 50 year friendship, my pal Jim said, 'I would be honoured to perform the eulogy at your funeral, Ronnie'. My reply, 'If it's all the same to you, I would prefer to do yours'."

Driving at

THOUGHT a colleague was still off for Christmas but no, here he comes to announce to me: "Was obsessed with transport as a toddler, but my parents wouldn’t let me have a pedal-car. Drove me potty."