HEY, I’m Louis CK – comedy superstar, cultural provocateur and millionaire everyman. But you already knew all that. You’ll also know I’ve made a damn fortune talking candidly about the moronity and crushing dullness of regular folks who aren’t Louis CK. Man, you people disgust me. Hoodwinked by the cheap jeans and gravy-stained T-shirts I wear on stage, recognising yourself in my tales of sexual inadequacy, believing I somehow have empathy with your own desperate plights. I’m just glad you’re all too dumb to think up edgy observational humour for yourselves.

Today, however, I’m coming clean about a very serious matter. One I should have spoken about months ago. Sorry I left it so long. It’s that … I’m nothing like you. I have no idea what it’s like to be you. Or any human. That’s because I’m a robot. No, that’s not a damn allegory for societal programming – I’m a real robot, man. You might ask who the hell would deliberately build a robot that looks like the illegitimate peasant son of Henry VIII. Well, the goddam Russians, that’s who.

Yeah, here’s a newsflash that’ll wake all you 9 to 5 schmucks up. Russia has infiltrated Western culture with lots of robots like me. You know us. We’re the entertainers who toxify your lives with vacuous condescension. Attention-junkies emitting plumes of salacious static to dominate your media headlines. Our smokescreen of reality distortion is effective, letting real demons run amok without any damn scrutiny at all.

Looking like a burst hoover bag has made it easy to blend in with all you shambling wrecks enduring lives of crippled desperation upon the diseased skin of a toxic space rock in its final orbits. Can’t wait for that SpaceX flight out of here, man, I'll pay whatever they're charging.

But until that day, amassing more gratuitous attention in the global spotlight is the name of the game. So, following my recent troubles – where I bravely and honestly admitted the seduction technique I had used on several women needed some work – I have returned to comedy after a few months of “stepping back to take a long time to listen”. Yeah, I’ve listened – to myself, dammit. Now I’m doubling down on everything I’ve ever said, coming out fighting, watering every seed of intolerance, discontent and suspicion within what’s left of my loyal audience.

And you know I’m telling the truth about this Russian thing – because everyone knows that’s what I do. I tell the truth. No ribbons or roses with Louis CK, man.

Lost my touch

I WASN’T always a reality-distorting Russian plant sewing social discord. I was one of the good guys – until I ran into that bit of bother last year. Yeah, like all comedians know, being too honest and upfront in this repressed, conformist era of artistic oppression can get you into a lot of trouble, man.

Some of my so-called friends, who happened to be female, told the goddam press about a little secret we all had. I don’t get enough credit though – I mean, I openly admitted what happened – being totally honest that I was a sexual creature, a guy bold enough to expose the physical embodiment of desire to anyone. I mean, we weren’t born with clothes on, were we? And masturbation’s perfectly natural. Even dolphins do it, man.

I did, however, in my usual truth-seeking way, also expose some hypocrisy. All these female comedians talking brazenly about the realities of sex on stage and it’s suddenly something awful and disgusting when it happens in real life! I mean, it’s like TV, you don’t have to watch. Just switch over. Or at least ask for the key to leave my dressing room.

I’m only telling the truth, though. Guys understand. Women always wish we were more open, honest and upfront about what we feel and desire, and when we finally open up and reveal our true selves, look at what happens. suddenly we're the bad guys.

I mean, I have daughters and I would hope all the men they meet in life are as upfront and honest as me. No-one should hide their true selves away like some kind of repressed square. I mean, it’s just social conditioning stopping us all from getting it on in front of each other isn’t it? And society’s shackles are no problem when your mind is free like mine, man.

Paranoid android

SO, after those repressed morons in the mainstream media stitched me up for being an honest, upfront guy, the Russians got in touch and made me a deal.

Instead of lying lower than a snake’s balls for the rest of my life, they said I could download the contents of my brain into an immortal robot body. One indistinguishable from my previous self except for one thing – I’d lose all humanity and empathy. Sounded like a good deal to me. I literally had nothing to lose.

But because their scientists haven’t perfected genitals yet, I’m now a bit Action Man down there, man. Can’t even pee. Maybe explains why everyone is saying my new jokes are p**h. Losing my sex drive has also meant I’m a little light on decent material, but at least there will be no more attempts at honesty and openness for “friends” to betray.

Still, even I admit I was surprised when the grieving families of the recent Parkland school tragedy in Florida expressed such indignant rage at me this week. Yeah, I mocked the survivors of a shooting where 17 students and teachers were killed, saying they threw the fat kids in front of them to get out – but I’m a comedian. It’s all in the context, man. I play with taboos to wake folk up, make them feel alive, to make them see the world in a different light, no soft focus man. Just the way it is. But, I was betrayed again – taped by an audience member. My own fans, man. Even they don’t get what I’m trying to do.

The Russians do though, and asked only one thing of me in return for immortality – that I simply carry on as I always did. And that, as you all know, is telling the truth. It’s what I’m programmed to do, man – shining a light upon all the dark, grimy corners of reality you sleepwalkers can’t see for yourselves. Things only I can observe then relate in a really funny way. I mean, they’re only words, right? Just throat vibrations, given meaning by that gloop we call our brains. No-one is judging us by them, man. God speaks Aramaic anyway – doesn’t understand a damn thing we’re saying.

And if there is no God, well, it just means there’s a job vacancy for when I get bored of lowering myself to entertain you ungrateful backstabbers. I’m just too damn honest, as always.

And finally ...

ALTHOUGH I’m a robot now, it still hurts to be misunderstood. I mean, I’m one of the good guys. Everyone knows that. Except the damn media.

When they accused me of racism this week for insinuating all penises belonging to a particular ethnic group are small, I was actually exposing racism – setting a trap for those who find stereotypes like that funny. How can no-one see this?

I know everyone in the damn world listened to that leaked tape of my latest comeback gig this week, so you must have heard that guy in the audience who laughed louder than anyone else, braying like some tortured pig. Go after him, not me. I gave you your Barabbas, don’t nail an innocent guy to the cross again.

I’m honestly not comparing myself to Jesus, man, I’m not – but I do feel I’ve been crucified and now I’m just resurrecting myself.

I suppose it could be said that I also righteously overturn tables in the temple, exposing dens of thieves, hypocrisy, corruption, conceit – but was it Jesus’ job to clean up the floor afterwards? No, and it’s not Louis CK’s either. Clean up your own damn temple. I just showed you all exactly where the garbage is – CK and you will find, man.

Twitter @futureshockbb