Cup runneth over

WITH our MPs constantly in the news, we thought we would look at previous Diary stories about them, including our favourite about Tory grandee Nicholas Soames early in his political career standing for election in Clydebank. The SNP, to undermine his already struggling campaign, published a photo of him winning a polo match, holding aloft a trophy brimming with champagne, his horse on one side, a blonde beauty on the other.

Knocking doors in Clydebank, Nicholas was naturally finding little support until, in one multi-storey, a chap said he would vote for him. Astonished, Nicholas asked why, and he replied: "Any man who likes horses, booze and women can't be all bad."

For fax sake

RETIRED Maryhill Labour MP Maria Fyfe wrote in her autobiography about a fellow Glasgow MP who wanted to send a letter to the blind Government Minister David Blunkett, and went to the trouble of having it put into Braille. Well done, of course, but when he got the Braille copy back, he then faxed it.

Pitched in

REMEMBER Scottish football fans trashing the pitch at Wembley after beating England? The Scotsman newspaper phoned then-Tory sports spokesman, the Scottish MP Hector Munro, for a comment. A cheery Hector replied: "Good for them! Tell them to bring me back a lump!" A few minutes later Hector's wife called and said that what Hector had meant to say was: "This kind of thuggish behaviour disgraces Scotland and must be stopped." The Scotsman published her version.

Howe come

FORMER Ayrshire Labour MP Brian Donohoe once told us that at one General Election campaign cabinet minister Geoffrey Howe turned up to support the Conservative candidate. Said Brian: "He introduced himself to an Irvine worthy as, 'Hello, I'm Geoffrey Howe'. The Irvine worthy replied, 'Who?' and Geoffrey slickly replied, 'No, Howe’."

Passed a motion

ONE of the most admirable MPs was the late Tam Dalyell who told the story of being elected as MP for West Lothian and mentioning to a local newspaper editor that some Linlithgow residents had complained to him about dog mess in the streets. The newspaper printed a story about it, and Tam was immediately phoned by the local councillor. Explained Tam: "He just said, 'Tam, Westminster, your business. Dog s****, mine.' and slammed the phone down. I never mentioned it again."

Flight of fancy

A BIT more rough-and-ready than Tam Dalyell was gruff Renfrewshire Labour MP Tommy Graham. The classic story was of MPs crowding the Commons travel office in pre-internet days trying to discover if planes to Glasgow were flying because of the bad weather. Tommy called his wife Joan and asked her to look out the bedroom window – they stayed in Linwood – to see if the planes were landing.

She said they were, which Tommy announced to the crowd. At that a Tory MP asked Tommy if he knew if Edinburgh Airport was operational. "Haud on, son," replied Tommy, "I'll get the wife to climb on tap o' the wardrobe an see if they're landing at Edinburgh."

Put foot in it

WE also liked the story of the Labour MP delivering leaflets at an election. It was just after a Conservative canvasser had been too lazy to push the Tory leaflets right through the letterbox, so he would take them out and stuff them in his pocket. Disaster struck though when he arrived at one door and realised that he had walked through the wet cement of a newly laid driveway. He quickly took a Tory leaflet out of his pocket, shoved it through the letterbox, and escaped.

Stop the bus

A READER once told us of driving an open-topped campaign bus for Labour's Euro MP Janey Buchan down Byres Road when he was pulled over by the police. They informed him that they would put the bus off the road if the wee guy upstairs on the load speaker didn't stop swearing. Said our reader: "I had to convince the officers he was shouting, 'Vote Buchan, vote Labour. Not, 'Vote f****** Labour’."

True story

IN fairness we should end with a comment one MP made about journalists. He declared: "Most journalists I know work eight hours a day and sleep eight hours a day. The trouble is they're the same eight hours."

THOSE WERE THE DAYS - 1981: Miles of aisles in new-looking shopping mall in Springburn