Drink to that

OUR story about the hen party downing pints at Glasgow Airport at 6.45am reminded Douglas Hutchison in Kilcreggan: "When Glasgow Airport and Edinburgh Airport were owned by the same company, they were benchmarked against each other in terms of customer satisfaction, by means of surveys. Edinburgh apparently always performed badly as the researchers would interview bleary-eyed business people heading to London on the first shuttle and be given short shrift.

"In contrast, at Glasgow, researchers would be welcomed by happy holidaymakers and invited to join them for a pint in the bar. Always scored higher marks."

Lino cutting

ANYONE making sense of Brexit? Anyone? John Henderson tries: "So, let me get this right. Theresa May is now being described as Lino, as in Leader in Name Only pursuing a Bino, Brexit in Name Only, all of which is enough to make us all become winos."

And writer Pete Sinclair claims: "The convention that Speaker John Bercow is referring to dates back to 1604. Jacob Rees-Mogg says he opposed it then and he will oppose it again now."

Book burning

THE Herald news story that Scottish libraries now have fewer computers in order to save money reminds us somehow of the librarian, when asked for the most unusual reason for a lost library book, said a woman offered to pay for a book she had borrowed as she had used it to prop up the head of her recently departed husband for an open coffin viewing, and had forgotten to remove it before he was cremated.

Bumper surprise

AFTER our tale of wax on a school blackboard, David Russell tells us: "My son when serving in Afghanistan put some sticky letters on the front bumper of his army Land Rover to highlight its dire state, much to the anger of his Sergeant Major who told him to remove it sharpish as the CO was due to visit.

"He did as instructed, but a dust storm blew in and as it cleared the vehicles were reviewed by the CO who instantly spotted the legend Scrapheap Challenge visible where the dust had clung to the remaining adhesive. Much anger and shouting but the vehicles were replaced in fairly short order."

Long standing

APOLOGIES for suggesting yesterday that Paul Sinha from the TV quiz show The Chase was new to stand-up comedy. In fact Paul has been appearing on stage for 20 years, so it is actually The Chase that he is newer to than comedy. Paul explained when in Glasgow's Stand Club this week that he is often asked who the smartest quizzer is on The Chase. "I can now say it is Anne Hegerty," he said. "After all, she went in the Australian jungle for I'm A Celebrity, got paid £80,000 and did absolutely f*** all. Now that's smart."

Telling tales

GROWING old, continued. Says Ian Power: "As a young man I’d meet mates in the pub every Sunday lunchtime, where we’d swap stories about the stupid stuff we’d done the night before. Nowadays young people find out almost instantly via social media. I can’t help but think they’re the ones who’ve missed out."

Four-letter word

YES, the cute things kids say. Says Gerry McCulloch who was in a cafe with his grandkids, composing a little crossword for them to fill in: "Reached the stage where we needed a four-letter word beginning with K. Eventually I said to my four-year-old grandson, 'What do people do when they love one another?' as I was thinking of the word 'kiss'. But my grandson with no hesitation said, 'Kids! They have kids!'"

Gulp

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli who says: "Scotland is the only country in the world where Innocent Smoothies come in a Not Proven flavour."