Moving story

AFTER our tale about NHS websites dumbing down their language in order to be understood, Kate Woods tells us: "Years ago, my friend when she was a young girl was in hospital and every day the ward sister would ask if her 'bowel had moved'. My friend, not understanding the question and unfamiliar with an Ayrshire accent, thought the sister was saying 'bowl', and as the only bowl she saw was the one her porridge came in she watched intently to see if the bowl moved. As it never did she always answered 'No', and lived on a daily dose of syrup of figs."

Criminal

BUMP into author Alex Gray whose police series following senior detective William Lorimer is set in Glasgow. Says Alex: "One of these strange things that comes along occasionally. I was at the dentist this week and skimming through OK magazine, which I only read in waiting rooms, when my eye was caught by an article about celebrity, Lily Allen. Seems she’s been stalked for three years by a guy called Alex Gray. Was I surprised? You bet I was seeing as Lorimer book 16 is out tomorrow. Its title? The Stalker. You cannae make it up! And no, I'm not Lily Allen's stalker."

Randy in Eaglesham

OUR story about the inquisitive labrador reminded our old chum Bob Jeffrey in Eaglesham: "I once had a lab called Randy, named after the boxer Randy Turpin. A handsome mutt, he lived up to his name and often disappeared on late night adventures on the village green opposite my house. Sent to find him I wandered around in the dark shouting 'Randy! Randy!' When he eventually came home I remarked to my wife I was surprised he was the only one to respond to my shouts. My wife's response was a sour, 'I ain't'."

Burger this

THE Herald reported the Wee Free minister who declared the Scottish Government's smacking ban was an attack on the authority of God. It reminds us of the reader who told us she was in Glasgow's Buchanan Street on a busy Saturday where a child was screeching to his mother over and over that he wanted to go to McDonald's. Eventually, in sheer exasperation, she tugged him along and shouted: "It'll be Smackdonald's you'll get if ye don't shut up."

THOSE WERE THE DAYS - 1966: "Passers-by stand at the window, mesmerised”

Food for thought

ANOTHER attempt to explain Brexit to us as a reader emails: "We've all been on a night out with a mate who says, 'It's rubbish here – let's go somewhere else.' Then when you leave you realise he has no idea where to go and the place you left won't let you back in. The UK is standing in a kebab shop at 2am arguing about whose fault it is."

Sting in tale

FIRST day of spring yesterday. Great! Nights are getting longer and the spring bulbs are beginning to flower. But a more cautious reader tells us: "It's not officially spring until I've called a wasp a little tw*t."

Kipping Kit

WE hear that one of our favourite Edinburgh pubs, the ornate Cafe Royal just round the corner from Princes Street, has had a bit of a makeover. Our favourite Cafe Royal story – that we can print – was when cabaret singer Kit Hesketh-Harvey was appearing there during the Edinburgh Fringe as half of the singing and comedy duo Kit and the Widow. Their show at the Cafe Royal ended after one in the morning with a final number in which they both climb into a bed like Morecambe and Wise used to do. Kit though fell asleep and the Widow, aka Richard, sneaked off the stage and left him there. It was a startled Cafe Royal cleaner who then woke him up the following morning.

Never too old

GROWING old continued. As Barry Harper puts it: "'You're too old to do that.' That's the phrase which will get your partner to do anything you want."