Biting remark

WHO knew that there was a city named Airdrie in Canada? A reader sends us a news item from the news organisation CBS which reported that a six-year-old boy in Airdrie, Canada, had been attacked by a coyote in a local park, but the animal had been scared off by being shot with a paint gun. We liked the wee boy's mother who told reporters after the attack that her son, "Was a bit upset he has not turned into a werewolf yet." Just the sort of thing they would say in Airdrie, Scotland, as well we reckon, although probably about folk from Coatbridge.

Love song

SAD to read of the death of soulful singer Scott Walker, formerly of the Walker Brothers. It reminds us of a reader years ago at a Lanarkshire social club where members were encouraged to go up and sing. One man cajoled to the microphone announced he was dedicating a Scott Walker song to the light of his life, his wife, Margaret. Oddly, he then launched into Scott's song Joanna, which is about day-dreaming on the woman you used to love with the lyrics "I can't forget the one they call Joanna". At the song's conclusion, with the audience looking perplexed, the singer explained it was the only song to which he knew all the words.

Blast it

THE sayings of children – Lizanne MacKenzie in Dumfries tells us: "My son-in-law was getting exasperated at my four-year-old grand-daughter's refusal to do what she was told. I'm not sure what she was threatened with, but he said, 'Right. I'm going to count down from five. Five, four, three, two, one'. To which she replied 'Blast off!'

Total collapse (again) of parental authority."

Oh no, Ono

THE Herald ran a story yesterday on the 50th anniversary of John Lennon and wife Yoko Ono crashing their car in the north of Scotland and being hospitalised for a week in Golspie. We remember that John got a bit bored with his medical incarceration and sent a deliberately misspelled postcard to the Beatles' press officer from "Jack McCripple (ex seaman)" in which he wrote: "This is not a begging letter. I am a crippled family who need som mony to git out of Scotland. A few hundred will do." And the crashed Austin Maxi? Yoko had it transported home unrepaired, and put it on a concrete base in the garden as an art installation. As you do.

Aching to tell us

GROWING old continued. Says a reader in Dunoon: "Getting old is when you decide to take painkillers, not because you're in pain, but just in case."

Oh, Danny bhoy

THE comedy series Scots Squad is back on the telly shortly with a number of guest appearances including TV presenter Lorraine Kelly, businessman Sir Tom Hunter, and sports commentator Chick Young. In the series Chick is pulled over by the traffic cops – who incidentally have to have real police officers in attendance in case any members of the public see the uniforms and rush over asking for help.

Our old chum Chick is used to being asked to events outside his sports brief. We recall when he was MC at the opening of a housing development in Scotland and had to introduce Australian singer Dannii Minogue. “Ladies and gentlemen,” boomed Chick through the microphone. “Please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to Danny McGrain!”

Penny for thoughts

WE mentioned the Aye Write! book festival in Glasgow, and reader Sandy Tuckerman went along to hear our old Diary chum Tom Shields speak about his new book 111 Places in Glasgow That You Shouldn't Miss. Sandy says: "Tom was also reminiscing about his Diary days, and he told of being asked to sign a copy of the compilation book Tom Shields Diary at a recent book signing. Tom asked where the chap got it from, and he was informed that it was bought on Amazon for 1p. Tom responded, ‘In that case get the postman to sign it.’ "

Nice one

A READER phones to suggest: "If you had to update old sayings then surely, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' would be changed to 'If you can't say anything nice, go on Twitter'."