Arresting moment

OUR story of the lad pretending his dad was going to beat him when he took his belt off at airport security reminded retired police officer David Russell: "A young police typist got a lift to Waverley Station in a marked police car. As she was 'assisted' from the vehicle, the uniformed cop said loudly: 'I'd advise you to get out of town and never try that again in Edinburgh!' The other prospective passengers looked on aghast as they pondered what she might have been up to."

By a whisker

WE tentatively dip our toe back into Brexit as a reader tells us: My husband has just driven home down the A82, behind a dusty white van on which someone had scrawled the message, "Guy Fawkes, your country needs you!"

And Peter Smith explains the adamant attitude of pro-Brexit Tories with: "Cabinet Minister Liz Truss isn't afraid of a No Deal Brexit in the same way my gerbil isn't afraid of A Level Physics."

Pardon my French

WE approach Graeme McGarry on our sports desk for elucidation on French footballer Ousmane Fané being spotted training with the Motherwell team, fuelling speculation they are going to sign him, and Graeme tells us: "Defensive midfielder Ousmane Fané only training with Motherwell for now to get fit following an op. Fully behind him signing though, as apparently his song at Oldham's Boundary Park was 'You're only here to see the Fané'."

Saucy

GROWING old, continued. Says George Crawford in West Kilbride: "I suspect that a sign of getting old is when you find yourself reminiscing of a time when the tomato sauce bottles were the right way up."

Wishy washy

SOME students are heading home for the Easter break. A Glasgow father of one such student was told in all seriousness by his son: "These are all these settings on the washer and dryer in the flat. But what you need is an alarm on the machine that tells you when your clothes are about to smell like a pond because you've left them in there too long."

Roger and out

SO someone was pointing out on social media this week that the London-based Daily Telegraph has far too many posh folk working for it and lists amongst its writers, Sophia Money-Coutts, Boudicca Fox-Leonard, Hamish de Bretton-Gordon, and Harry de Quetteville. Sophia didn't like the implied criticism as she replied: "This name thing sometimes gets on my tits. I know it's absurd, I know it makes me sound like a Martin Amis character, I know I should have listened to my dad when he very wisely suggested I change it if I wanted to be a journalist. I know." It was inspired of Times diplomatic editor Roger Boyes to tell her: "Happy to swap names."

Zip it

WE mention the difficulties of bringing up young children, and a grandmother tells us: "My three-year-old grandson threw a crying fit when he couldn't wear his favourite trousers as they no longer fitted him. His mother merely told him, 'I know how you feel son'."

Picture this

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Glenny Rodge who declares: "Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display, but I think hanging's too good for them."

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