No direction

A SHAKY start to this weekend’s Scottish Tory conference as dozens of delegates went to the wrong venue. Seeking the Aberdeen Exhibition Conference and Centre, they drove to the as yet unopened Event Complex instead, blaming road signs. Among the legions of the lost was Holyrood spindoctor Adam Morris. “If I went to the wrong AECC, what chance does anyone else have?” he tweeted. They’re in charge of Brexit, you know.

Swear cut

MEANWHILE, at the right venue, Unspun ran into ex-Downing Street adviser Ramsay Jones, star of the recent BBC Indyref documentary. You may recall his eloquent summary of Number 10’s reaction to Yes leading in the polls: “Oh f***!” It wasn’t quite as spontaneous as it appeared, he revealed. After he said the line chatting with the producers, they asked him to repeat it on camera. Ramsay duly obliged, feigning the ad lib perfectly. What an old pro.

Roll out

TALKING of conferences, even former Westminster leader Angus Robertson was moaning about the prices at the SNP’s. Hosting a fringe in the prime hangover slot of Sunday 9am, he apologised for the lack of grub. “I couldn’t bring myself to spend the best part of two grand on bacon rolls,” he said. “Sorry for being a cheapskate.” It wouldn’t happen under independence.

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Man in the moon

FORMER East Dunbartonshire MP John Nicolson also made a big impression during Nicola Sturgeon’s speech by clambering over chairs in the press gallery. As his trews slowly succumbed to gravity, startled hacks got a prize close-up of his white Calvins. As he left a few minutes later, even more of the giant undies were on show. "He may not have been a top politician," one traumatised scribbler noted, "but he’d be a damn good builder."

Benefit gig

ALSO at the Tory conference was a fringe on the Union hosted by Colin Clark, Tory MP for Gordon. Between mangling the language - “we have never flip-flapped on the Union”, “this is absolutely conkers” - he mentioned he is a parliamentary private secretary at the notoriously generous DWP. At one point, he offered MSP Maurice Golden a chair as he had a leg injury. “That’s the compassionate face of Conservatism,” said Maurice. “Yeah, DWP, compassionate face,” chuckled Colin. We hope all the DWP's happy customers are laughing.

Fleabags

PLYMOUTH MP Johnny Mercer was the speaker at the pre-conference dinner on Thursday. Unspun hears the former Army officer’s patter was rank. According to our mole, he told delegates he’d come up on the sleeper and joked he’d caught fleas. “But it’s all right, they’re Scottish fleas.” The first question posed to him was whether he was running for PM. Judging by the cool response in the room, it was probably a rhetorical question.

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Green mist

PERHAPS it was the injury making him cranky, but Mr Golden later flew into a rant about the Greens. “People feel on the regional vote, oh, we’ll give a vote to those nice Greens,” he fumed. “The Greens are not nice! They’re particularly nasty. They’re extreme Socialists and therefore in my view they’re very dangerous! No one who doesn’t support extreme socialism should ever, ever consider voting for the Greens!” So much compassion.