Quick thinking

FRANCES Woodward was on a train to Falkirk when the recording came over the Tannoy system telling passengers what to do if they see anything suspicious, followed by the "See it, say it and we'll sort it" matra. The ScotRail chap selling tickets looked up from his ticket machine and announced: "Dinnae come tae me, I've goat ma trainers on, and will be running in the opposite direction".

Head to butcher's

WE mentioned supermarket deliveries, and a reader pointed out that getting deliveries from shops is not a new thing, merely reinvented. As entertainer Andy Cameron recalled: "Over 60 years ago most grocer shops had sturdy bikes and even sturdier teenagers who earned a bit of pocket money by delivering a hefty basket full of their merchandise to the ‘bought’ hooses on the outskirts of Ru’glen. My best pal The Quiet Man did this job for his uncle Jimmy and I was always jealous until one day I saw him pushing the fully-laden bike up the brae in Bankhead... he was knackered! Those were the days when there was wee shops in every street and with them came the jokes like my granny saying to me, 'Away up tae the butchers and get a sheep’s heid for making soup and ask him tae cut it as near the erse as he can'."

Putting boot in

CELTIC Football Club surprised a few folk by putting a picture of their players online and announcing: "The Treble Treble winners are back at Lennoxtown for pre-season training!" As fan Paul Larkin commented on how early it is in the summer: "My hangover from the cup final is only just clearing."

Food for thought

TIME to clear the table on our unusual graces with David Miller sending us off by recalling one speaker at a dinner whose grace was: "Oh Lord, give us a good appetite, for much fine food is set before us. And Oh Lord, give us fortitude, for I have seen the toast list."

Explosive

GOOD to read in The Herald that although The Buteman newspaper is closing, the publishers of the Dunoon Observer and Argyllshire Standard, have stepped in to fill the gap by launching The Isle of Bute News. A reader recalling the old days of The Buteman says it may have been a bit parochial at times as he recalled the front page headline which declared ''Peace in Ireland a threat to Scottish tourism'.''

Good to talk

SARCASM doesn't always work, it seems. As one worker in an office environment passes on: "I have worked with my new co-worker for almost a half hour. It turns out that she's married so I asked her if her husband is deaf, but she hasn't stopped talking long enough to hear the question."

What are the odds

BACK to the race to become Tory Party leader. One newspaper carried the news that outsider Rory Stewart has "leapt to second favourite behind Boris with the bookies" which will be welcomed by many who find Rory's intelligence and clear thinking quite attractive. But as Rob Manuel says to put it in perspective: "Remember: the point of betting odds isn't to predict the future, but to tempt you into losing your money."

You're the one

TODAY'S daft gag comes from a reader who emails: "Bloke in the pub last night said he had asked his girlfriend if he was the only one she had ever been with. He said she confirmed that he was, then added, 'All the others were nines and tens'."

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